Posts Tagged ‘stress’

What Do You REALLY Know?

Posted: July 1, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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>The other evening I was chatting with my best girl friend about our lives, and a revelation hit me. As a woman, especially, I can get so stuck on preparing for the future and what I am supposed to do that I can miss the major point of it all. When I was younger, I looked at what I wanted to do with my life, what degree I was going to get, who I was going to marry, if I was going to marry, etc.

I got older, went to school learning about subjects I loved, married and had children. Now it’s not just about what I am going to do, but what does the future look like for my children. I spend my days preparing:

  • I prepare/plan for at least 3 meals every day – if you add snacks in, half my day is just in planning meals! (okay, truth by told, I’m somewhat lying here. My husband happens to be an incredible cook and oftentimes it’s him preparing and cooking. However, that doesn’t help my point here. Which I’ll get to, eventually)
  • I clean the house to prepare for guests and to put myself at ease. (let’s face it – I’m a clean freak. But it makes me feel good to know that 90% of the time I can have drop-in company come over and I’m not focusing on how filthy my house is)
  • I work from home and a key focus is on product/web development. I have to think about everything we do and how it affects the future of the business.
  • I get myself cleaned up and ready for every day – I prep myself for what the day will bring.

I could go on and on about all the many things we all do to prepare for the future. Sometimes, however, the stress of not being able to anticipate the plan dominates your ability to take on the plan. Imagine packing for a trip and having no idea whether you need evening wear or hiking boots and a sweater. This, however, is sometimes how life goes…because, overall, we don’t know what the weather is going to be.

For example, the wife of an entrepreneur. A beginning entrepreneur oftentimes lives a “feast or famine” lifestyle. All businesses have their ups and downs, and when you’re calling all the shots, the downs tend to affect you in a personal way. It can be scary to not know how the future is going to play out, and I see many stay-at-home moms who are in this supportive role, yet are terrified of how the plan will play out. They stress over all the little plans of life because they are uncertain the “big plan” of the business will thrive. They crave to be able to dot their i’s and be the “hostess with the mostess” who has things under control.

Sometimes, when you’re not calling the shots in one area you feel is vital (i.e. family breadwinner) you seek to control as many other areas as possible. It gets difficult if your partner is unable to give you a play-by-play of how life is going to go!

So how do you cope? How do I cope, not being 100% on our business ventures and whether it will guarantee me the income I’d like this year? I’ll tell you what – focus on who you are vs. what your plan is. Like most of you know, 48 Days focuses on the fact that 85% of the process of finding the work you love is by looking inward. Think about this – why the focus on yourself?

The more you understand who you are, the better you are able to manage life in general. You identify your strengths, you get resources for your weaknesses. You know what is most important, and you focus on those in times of uncertainty.

I don’t know if my girls will turn on me in their teenage years. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they feel my love for them, and that they know every single day that I will listen to what they have to say.

I don’t know if working in a family business will be the best venture for my whole life. But I do know that no matter how much I love my work, family comes first, and if that is ever challenged by working together, I will find a new job.

I don’t know if my husband will be in as perfect health in his 70s as he is right now. But I do know that he is my absolute best friend and I will be by his side regardless of physical circumstance.

I don’t know if we’ll be in the same house/city/lifestyle five years from now. But I do know that no matter where I am, I’m with the people that matter most to me, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

We don’t know every curve in the road of our lives, so of course, we need to figure out how to also enjoy the journey. My challenge to you is to remember who you are. Remember what is important, and rely on that – you are beautiful. You are happy. You are relishing the moment as it is. You are wonderful, radiant you. Take life by the horns and ride on, knowing that no matter what life brings, you’ll be giving it your best self.

What is your best attribute that helps you embrace life?

Train Up a Child…

Posted: June 28, 2010 in Mama Says Namaste
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How do I condense into a short blog the journey we have been on with our eldest and the long road of discipline?  I’ll give it my best shot here…
As you can see from the last blog, temper tantrums have been my life.  It got to the point of 2-3 hour meltdowns and tantrums at bedtime, us walking on eggshells, not sure when the next tantrum would erupt, and our poor child was just not fun to be around.  Enter me lamenting on Facebook, which led to a comment from my brother, father of seven, which led to many conversations with my brother and sister-in-law on my wonderful, trying, brilliant, and very strong-willed little girl.
They recommended a book, Train Up a Child, by Michael and Debi Pearl.  Now…word of precaution.  This book is incredibly fundamental.  It’s very traditional.  You really, reallyneed to take it with a big grain of salt.  A large, large grain.  Um, so large that I’m nervous recommending it.  But…this book changed our lives.

My synopsis of what I learned…raising children isn’t about just disciplining bad behavior–it’s about training and correcting them so they thrive–so I am not merely reactive to my child’s behavior but proactive in promoting the positive behavior that is important in raising future adults that are thoughtful, respectful and a joy to be around.
Spanking gets a bad rap. I completely understand why.  Seeing the parents who react in anger, who swipe up their kid and hit him on the bottom at every wayward behavior, kids that learn that you hit to get your point across…I definitely had reservations on ever spanking, even though I was spanked as a kid.  But then again…I  did get spanked as a kid.  And nope, haven’t been through therapy because of it.  I don’t actually remember anything negative from it, other than me not wanting to get in trouble.
My top tips for effective spanking vs. abuse…they have to know it’s coming.  It sounds awful, but we talk about the spanking and why she’s getting it before it happens–she knows it’s coming and she has to accept her punishment–no kicking and screaming while I hold her down.  Reason for this?  If she can’t accept a consequence for her behavior at three, how can I expect her to accept it when she’s sixteen and I have less control over it?
Next, we use a spoon…dubbed “the long arm of the law”.  Why?  Because it isn’t our hand that does the harm, first off.  It’s also something that causes a sting on the surface without lasting damage.  You don’t hear of trips to the hospital because of a wooden spoon spanking.  Using your hand to spank a bottom can damage a kids’ spine if done too hard, and also, in my opinion, is way too convenient…which means it’s more likely that you will spank in anger.
Which leads me to my biggest point.  A spanking is not to be done in anger.  Never, ever hit when you as the parent are mad.  If you retaliate to their bad behavior by displaying your own, then what you’ve passed on to your child is not the importance of good behavior, but that anything goes–it’s just a matter of who’s bigger (and who wins).
And always end with a positive-because spanking is just a minor part of discipline. We use time outs, breaks in the “reflection chair”, spanking, distractions, incentives and talking things over.  We don’t immediately rush to the spoon if a break from the situation will do. There are certain times when we have to consider that she is three–she doesn’t have a perfect grasp on why she feels the way she does (heck, I have a hard time grasping why I feel certain ways sometimes!)  There are times when lack of sleep, allergies, or high emotions take over and a hug is the best preventative discipline for her.
What it ultimately boils down to is that our goal as parents is to empower Ladybug Girl to be the best person she can be–and that means teaching her to understand her limits and how to cope in this world in a positive way.  As a child getting a grasp on her emotions, we as parents stand as her sounding board and hope to impart what we know and help her to create her own path with a firm foundation.
It’s not about spanking.  It’s not about discipline.  It’s all about training…or the more socially acceptable term–”raising” a child.  I want to be her safe haven–I want to be her listening ear and gentle guide.  I want to be there for her–literally and figuratively.  Most importantly, I want her to know she’s loved.  No matter what, I love her, and I love her enough to push her–to be the best Ladybug Girl she can be–one that has a good grasp of the world and how to be a positive light in it.
I don’t have it all figured out, and I can guarantee that both girls will throw me for a loop countless more times in the next twenty years (and beyond).  But I think all we can do as parents is the best we know at the time.  And right now I feel at peace with where we are at with discipline.  Since Nathan and I “laid down the law,” we have gotten a child that constantly comes and gives us hugs and tells us she loves us, who dances and sings 80% of time, and who is a genuinely happy kid.  The more clear boundaries we’ve laid the more secure she’s become, and I’m amazed at the little girl who’s emerging–she’s not a toddler anymore.  She has a better grasp on things than I give her credit for, and she keeps us laughing most of the time with her funny precociousness.
I feel the weight of parenting–the importance of what we do right now setting patterns for life, and we’re very, very careful about making sure we’re doing what is in Ladybug Girl’s (and now Snugglepuppy’s) best interest.  We all fail, and Nathan and I have our moments of frustrations, but the girls are rich in an abundance of loving support.  We have accountability all around us–we have so much family invested in these children that I’m confident that even if we don’t have it all figured out, we’ll be the best parents we know how to be, and we’ll have plenty of support to keep us in check if it were ever a negative effect on our children.
I’m so thankful for everyone in our lives that invests in our girls-grandparents, uncles and aunts, godparents, teachers and coaches…I’m immensely grateful for every positive influence in my girls’ lives, and I know that regardless of us having this whole parenting thing figured out, my girls will always feel our love.