Posts Tagged ‘self-confidence’

MamaRose Shares Her Story

Posted: July 12, 2011 in Family Life Learning, What does "Education" Look Like?
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Well, well, well.  One week into a new site and I get the opportunity to do an hour-long video interview with The Homeschool Netcast Network!  Oh so coincidentally, Gerald interviewed my father, Dan Miller, the week before, so he got the perspective of a “retired” homeschool dad, so his goal was to interview me as a homeschool-ee.  However, little did he know at the time that I was embarking on a whole new endeavor with this site!

Here is the video in its entirety.  I hope it sheds some light on where we came from and what the heck we’re thinking now.  I love that Gerald asked me some hard questions not only about how/why I want to teach my kids, but threw the words the naysayers are whispering about us not knowing what we’re doing.  I love it – questions and challenges?  BRING ‘EM ON! 

And yes, you get to see Papa Gray make his grand debut by crawling in at the side around 28 minutes in.  Yes, I said crawling. Seriously – you have to watch it.

Finally, check out the “Free Stuff” page on his site.  I haven’t made it to all the links yet, but it looks like I’ll have plenty of info to get started.  Let me know what you think!

Your words (and thoughts) are Powerful

Posted: June 11, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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Every person you come across will be touched by you.  What impact will it be?  Will it be words like “I’m sorry, I just am not that good at public speaking” or “My hair looks awful today” or will it be “Today is the first day of the rest of your life – how exciting!”  or “I’m carrying my sunshine on the inside – how about you?”  These may be cheese-ball comments, but at let me say this: every self deprecating comment you make not only impacts you, but it gives permission for every other person to do the same.  When you say it and your children hear, that’s what they mimic.  When you say it and your co-workers hear, you end up in a contest of who’s got it worse.  When you say it and a stranger hears, they may remember how much they hate it themselves, or feel obligated to lie and cheer up your reality in hopes that you don’t pour the rain on theirs.

Don’t deny your feelings, but by God remember that you have good ones, too.  Focus on those.  Sometimes we have to be intentional and force ourselves to have the faith and the power to speak words of POSITIVE truth in our own lives even if we aren’t feeling it.  It’s amazing how we find what we’re looking for.  Look for sadness and you can always find it.  Look for sunshine…you may just see a rainbow.

I can speak about believing in yourself so much, but I have those moments of doubt as well.  I think the biggest thing is that I purposely choose to focus on the positive.  I don’t deny the negative, but I choose to run to the bright side, to cling desperately to the good in myself, in my life, and in the people I come across.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”  ~Chuck Swindoll

Believe in Yourself, Ladies!

Posted: May 30, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~Marianne Clements

Question 1:   Do you believe in yourself?  (Like really BELIEVE in yourself?)

Yep, I do.  I believe I have power.  So much power, that if I don’t purposefully use it for good, it automatically will have a negative effect on the world.  It’s a scary thought.  Think about the nay-sayers, the woe-is-me-ers (yep, it’s a new word), the doubters…and think about how much, when you are uncertain, these people have the power to control you. To bring you to their level.
When you are unsure, your mind can be crippled with fear.  You are afraid of an answer you don’t want, and your mind subconsciously goes to whatever negative thought it is, and all of a sudden, one seemingly innocent comment of “we don’t need that dessert” becomes a hard blow to your low self-esteem and what you heard was “good lord, you have enough fat on those hips to live off of for a while.”  Man, that’s all in your head, however one sentence from another catapulted it to become your reality.  Make sense? 

They(everyone else) apparently has the power to bash your self confidence.  You have the power to hang on to that to a point that it rips you up inside.  I’m not just talking about looks here, I’m talking about everything.  I’m talking about the fact that whatever I believe will become my reality.
We’re women.  What is the first thing we stop believing?

I’m beautiful.

When was the last time you told yourself that?  That old saying that “love is blind?”  Sometimes we forget that we can decide to love ourselves every day…to carry over that “love is blind” mentality not just to our significant others, but to ourselves.  Reverse roles. For all you mothers out there with stretchy skin that resembles something closer to jello than the majestic muscles that are just begging to break through the surface…right?

Imagine your beloved husband carrying the weight of each precious developing child – imagine his body being stretched out and sagging…all due to the strains of creating a child formed by your love. Would you look at him critically? When he tries his best but that six-pack is a little more like a one pack…what is most important? I know guys are the visual creatures, but I tell you, to negate your husband’s love for you just as you are can be a blow to him. And my thoughts are that you would kiss every spot on his imperfect body and tell him what you love most. I’m saying this all for me, as I’ve been running and running, trying to regain my twenty-year-old body that is fading into a thirty-year-old body, and cringing when I look in the mirror and those last few pounds seem to be glaring at me. I’m not getting in a bikini for a long time. But my husband loves me and all my imperfections. They may be my “war wounds” from childbearing, and I will continually work on it, but I have more important things to obsess over-like enjoying the moments when I am the object of my number one love’s desire-he’s looking at all that is ME, not the tiny bits of my imperfection. I can’t point out any imperfection in what I see in him, so why am I obsessing over him doing anything less for me?

Question 2:  Why? (or Why not)
You see, I’m a mom now.  The years in high school and college where I tested my “power” by controlling what I ate, being awful to my body, neglecting my heart and running to the opposite sex to give me validation…this is all in the past.  Because now I have two beautiful girls looking at me. This is a biggie-my children. They are too young now to be swept up in the objectifying culture. I know no matter how I fight it, they’ll get hit with it at some point in their lives. But I’ll be damned if they are going to get a negative self image in our home! They are looking at me and watching me-they watch me get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair…they sense stress, frustration, and they want to mirror it. From the day my oldest followed me in the bathroom and asked to wear makeup, we started talking about what really makes people beautiful. On Easter Sunday we were in the car and she was playing with her pretend makeup she got as a birthday gift, and she was wiping it on her face. I asked her what she was doing and she said “washing it off.” I asked what makes her beautiful and she looked at me, smiled, and said “my heart.”

Your children are watching you and copying you-they are looking to you for what is important, and to see what confidence is. I want my girls to be proud of their bodies-to work to make themselves beautiful from the inside out-no matter how hard you push exercise, fix your makeup and hair and wear sexy clothes, what radiates most is what is beneath the surface-love and RESPECT for the child of God that you are and confidence that God embraces every imperfection in you so you can walk proud and honor your Creator…this is what I want my girls to see. Dressing up needs to be fun, not agonizing and a testament to my identity.

I used the focus of beauty for this…I could go off on a soapbox about smarts, about compassion, about significance…but I just so happened to have just recently gone off on a soapbox about this in a blog where a wonderful lady lamented over her ugly body and why she would never be what she used to be.

Power. 
Believing in yourself. 

The quote above…where you limit your power, you hold back and you hesitate.  You question your inadequacies and you are afraid every impact from the world is a tribute to how little you are.  But you aren’t.

“You are powerful beyond measure.” 

You are the first step in changing the world.  If you don’t believe in you, how can anyone else?  If you want to change the world, you have to start within.  You must “be the change you wish to see in the world” (Ghandi).  You have to have faith that you do have the power.  You are significant.  And one person has the power of the ripple effect to impact the world.  And you are that one person.

“When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. Bu it too seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me. But alas they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed I suddenly realized: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement I would have been able to better my country and, who knows, maybe even change the world.”
Inscribed words on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop (1100 A.D) in Westminster Abbey

(and if you do believe in yourself and also want to get something pretty and girly just to bask in your awesomeness, my friend Rachel has a kickin’ etsy shop called LoveIsRisingthat has great finds, including pre-ordering some fun new shirts – proceeds go to help them adopt!)

We Believe…That Everyone’s Feelings Count

Posted: March 31, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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I’m going through our Family Creed and addressing each line.  The next one up is “We believe…that everyone’s feelings count.” Funny enough, my first inclination on this as a family creed is that it means that we pay attention to the feelings of our small children.  While I definitely believe that is important, I’ve been struck lately that it really means everyone.  That means us parents, too.  Specifically…it’s me as a mom.

Raising children is not an easy task.  I absolutely adore our girls–we have so much fun.  However, knowing that we are shaping the lives of a future generation…and that our household will have a great impact on what our children will become…that’s a lot of pressure.  And that sometimes can equate to major burnout.

Have you had those moments where you feel like a slave in your own house?  Where on top of cleaning the house, cooking meals, doing laundry, paying bills, accomplishing work, and trying to maintain sanity, you have beautiful little children undertow that demand your attention 150% of the time??? I’m there.  If I here “MOMMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!”  one more time I may scream and run the other way.  (If you’ve met my youngest, you’ll know that even if I hightailed it to California, I’d still hear her).

Being a mom is a special role, and especially with small children, it’s a highly demanding role.  There is something about being the mom that requires extra nurturing, extra attention, and special boo-boo kisses that only mommies can administer.  How can you say no to a child begging for mommy’s love?

Again, going back to feelings…I want more than anything for my children to feel love in our home.  I want them to feel safe, secure, and at peace.  I want them to know the old cliche, “home is where the heart is”….and our hearts are always open to them.  I want them to feel heard, for them to know we’ll listen and weigh their words seriously no matter what their age or what the topic, and I want them to feel free to be open about their feelings, no matter what they are (I’ll add the caveat that one of our rules in the family is “no hateful talk”, so having the feeling about not liking someone does not equate an “I hate you” in our home, ever).

Now….the whole paragraph above…let’s take out the kids and put the parents in there.  It’s just as important.  It’s not just about acknowledging your children.  I don’t believe in a child-centered home.  One day, those children will leave, and if everything is centered on them, what you can end up with is a shell of who you once were.  I want to ensure that in our home, my feelings, my husband’s feelings…they are just as vital.  Our relationship is #1 in our home–taking the time to invest in each other is, to me, the best thing I can do for my children.

Showing them an example of  a loving, healthy relationship is important because this is the first and foremost impression they will carry for relationships throughout their lives.  My parents came from families with unhappy marriages/divorces…they overcame all odds to remain happily married, but they are the first to say that although their history didn’t break them, it did make them–they worked hard to establish the relationship they have now, determined not to duplicate the wounds of the past.

Finally, beyond respecting and truly listening to the feelings of your spouse, let’s get to the root of it.  Are you taking the time to listen to you?  I’m getting hit today with how hard it is for me to just let go, wind down, and take some me time.  When the girls are asleep, I relax with my husband, but sitting here tonight on “guys’ night”, I’ve thought about all the things I “need” to do–clean up the kitchen, throw in a load of laundry, answer the gobs of work emails piling up…but where is that time for me?  I get so busy doing that I forget to be.  Taking those moments to rest are so, so important.  If my cup is empty, drained, exhausted, and completely depleted, how can I pour my “riches” over to others, specifically my family?

So…take the time right now to think about you first.  How do you feel?  Have you spent time today doing something just for you to help you remember the amazing person you are?  Second, have you invested in your spouse–let them know their feelings count?  And only after these two things…make sure you wrap your arms around your precious children, no matter what their ages, and let them know that despite all the craziness live throws your way, you truly cherish them.

Build a Fence But Give Them The World

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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Security comes to your child by more than just a blanket.Although our kids may cling to their favorite lovey or toy, the real security comes from you, their parent.And it’s not just by hugs and kisses on boo-boos, but by boundaries.Boundaries, you say?How can I be loving to my kid by saying “no, no, no”?I say you can be firm in where you stand, be strict in what is necessary, and end up having a “yes, yes, yes” world for your child.

Let me explain.Imagine you are stranded in the middle of the ocean with no land in site—it’s a scary thought. A vast sea is overwhelming to anyone, much less a small child where the world is huge anyway.Think about all the dangers, possibilities, opportunities, and curiosities there are to explore in this world.It’s daunting and overwhelming…about like trying to find a needle in a haystack (or a box of cereal in the cereal aisle).But a small bathtub is a world of fun.In a bathtub, your child can be in charge of her own sea—from one end to the other.She knows what’s all around her—she knows where the water comes from, she knows who is sitting by the side of the bathtub while she plays.

When you have a toddler who is learning independence, the world is even more of a daunting ocean—your child needs you for assurance.If I walk out of mommy’s sight, what will happen?If I throw the cup on the floor, does it disappear?If I hit daddy, is it funny?If I don’t want to go, will Mommy leave me?

Think about that last question.How many times do you play a trick on your child with reverse psychology?

“I don’t want to go!’

“Okay, fine, bye!”

Which then proceeds to a melt-down of:

“Don’t leave me!”

Will you really leave him?Can you reasonably leave a child in the middle of a crowded store?What lesson does it teach him?If I have a different opinion from Mom, and she doesn’t like it, she’s gone.What security does that instill?Instead if they know what their choices are, and the consequences that come from those choices, they in essence have a “fence” of security…much like being able to see the walls of the bathtub.Mommy makes the boundary and I’m in control of the choices I make inside it.

Security is in knowing what is allowed and what isn’t.Your child can have the world…but can they handle it?That is where you come in.You help monitor that world a little at a time.You allow them to play loose in the yard, knowing they can go anywhere in the yard within the boundaries you laid out with them.They are king of their universe…and you are the castle they come home to.You see, the more you help them lay out what is allowed and what isn’t, the more you are able to say “yes!” to their world.They know not to touch the outlets or hit their sister.They also know that their playroom is their domain and the back yard is subject to all the exploration they want.

Security comes by loving your child enough to be firm in your rules, even when they are not loving back to you.Security is knowing your little girl won’t run out in the street because she knows the consequence—it’s the same consequence you’ve given her every time.Security is your little boy knowing he is in control of whether he has a grumpy day or a happy day (remember only YOU are in charge of your attitude!), and no matter whether he likes it or not, you will NOT leave without him.He can choose whether he’ll be happy about that.Security is your child knowing that you expect respect because you give THEM respect.It’s being firm in where you stand, but always stopping to truly listen to what they feel.“There are two lasting gifts you can give your children—one is roots, the other, wings.”Give them the foundation—the rules, the consequences, and your unconditional love, no matter whether they decide to break the rules or follow them.Then give them wings to explore their world—to say yes five times more than you need to say no—to only say no when absolutely necessary (and be prepared to stand firm), and say yes to all the days in the mud, the days of dressing herself, and the moments when they truly ARE superman.

She’ll outgrow her favorite teddy bear.He’ll hang up his blanket cape.But they will always have their security in you—make it count!

She’s Tarnished!

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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I actually wrote this blog back in January for an organization called “Cool Mom’s Care” http://www.coolmomscare.org…but I thought now would be a good time to post it here as well:

The other day in a store, my husband was holding my then 4-month old daughter and a woman walked by, looked at her, and said “Oh, she’s tarnished!” My husband, in all his wonderful humor, explained that he just didn’t know where to put his cigarette out. My husband doesn’t smoke and the “tarnished” spot the woman referred to was a red birthmark on our daughter’s face.

In honor of National Birth Defects Prevention Month (January), let me just say a little about my daughter’s “birth defect.” It’s funny how you dread and fear that awful statement: birth defect. You wonder if you will love your child any less, or if you’ll feel you have to cover up and make excuses for it. I’m lucky. My daughter will probably outgrow her little strawberry hemangioma, even though right now it is just growing along with the rest of her body. I have seen horrible pictures on the internet of these birthmarks that completely take over a face, impairing a child’s eyesight or mouth development. I am so, so lucky. My precious little daughter has a precious little “ladybug” dot on her cheek. I never even think of it as a problem.

I originally thought she had scratched herself, but I’ve steadily watched it grow and grow, and although it’s small, it’s definitely not going away anytime soon. In reading about these birthmarks; they get bigger and bigger but usually max out and fade away anywhere between the ages of 5 and 10. Oftentimes the treatment to remove them sooner is more detrimental then beneficial. Yet in our era of cosmetic consciousness, we worry how other kids will treat our child. Wow! First off, I know of the trauma of having a fatal defect, or something that creates a disability for life. I’ve always had a heart for children with anything that brands them as “not normal.”

Yet then I think about how I have such a passion for unique things. In our culture we crave to “stand out,” yet when it is something we don’t know about (something as scary as a defect or disability), we want to hide it or excuse it. Why not embrace it? We can’t erase it, and many times, it’s not something we can prevent. Sometimes, because of genetics or the way the wind blows, these things happen. Yet I look at my daughter and know that there is NO WAY I could love her any more than I already do. I love every piece of her (even down to the big red dot on her cheek). It’s a minor, minor detail, but I’ve seen how cruel people can be even with such a small thing. What if I had a child with Down’s syndrome or Cerebral Palsy? Imagine the looks I would get. I can get so mad to see how people can be so hypercritical of these children! These children are unique! I can’t begin to count the number of inspirational stories I’ve heard about people with disabilities, birth defects, handicaps (whatever label gets put on them) and how they have inspired us to look at what all we take for granted. These children help us to see beauty in things we normally pass by. They overcome and do great things.

While many of us sit and moan because we have to walk from the farthest parking spot, someone else just wishes they could walk. While we badger the child who bounces off the walls, we don’t tend to see that the famous painting we have on the wall was created by a child just like that.

My child is learning sign language. Not because I have a deaf family member, or even because I’m determined to make her a genius and get her started early. She’s learning because, one day, she’s going to know what it’s like to be teased since she looks different then other kids. I have always admired American Sign Language, and have made it a point in my education to learn about the deaf world (one degree is in ASL Interpreting). I have really enjoyed learning about not only the defects and medical statistics, but the Deaf culture and the community they have created. They have taken what some people see as a “handicap” and have empowered themselves to do anything they want. About the only limitation a deaf person has is that the rest of the world doesn’t know sign language. But I’ve learned of the beauty of communication, and how even people with different languages can still communicate through basic signs. I’ve been with my deaf friends and seen the ogling looks we get, and how people steer clear of us. On the day my daughter sees a deaf person for the first time, she’s NOT going to be one of ones who just stares. She will be able to talk to them just like everyone else.

Birth defects happen. Sometimes we do everything in our power to have the perfect child, and it ends up that our perfect child is different than what we imagined. Yet even with this “flaw,” they still have the ability to grasp our hearts and hold on tight. And we start to see that our child is different, but not in a bad way. They are unique. They have the gift of showing us something we may take for granted. They have the ability to feel for the underdog. They have a chance to step up and be in charge of their own attitude, and push that positively to everyone they meet.

They have more power than we could hope for, because what they have brings an element of mystery to the outside world–people will stop and stare–so hopefully these beautiful children get the chance to share their sweetness, and someone will walk away blessed instead of bewildered.

Because of the cruelty of the world, they can understand and hopefully help to lift up and put a stop to cruel comments like this as we embrace the beauty of all the unique people in this world. Because, although someone may say they’re “tarnished,” we know that they are precious, beautiful children who shine even brighter in their own unique way.