Posts Tagged ‘respect’

Believe in Yourself, Ladies!

Posted: May 30, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~Marianne Clements

Question 1:   Do you believe in yourself?  (Like really BELIEVE in yourself?)

Yep, I do.  I believe I have power.  So much power, that if I don’t purposefully use it for good, it automatically will have a negative effect on the world.  It’s a scary thought.  Think about the nay-sayers, the woe-is-me-ers (yep, it’s a new word), the doubters…and think about how much, when you are uncertain, these people have the power to control you. To bring you to their level.
When you are unsure, your mind can be crippled with fear.  You are afraid of an answer you don’t want, and your mind subconsciously goes to whatever negative thought it is, and all of a sudden, one seemingly innocent comment of “we don’t need that dessert” becomes a hard blow to your low self-esteem and what you heard was “good lord, you have enough fat on those hips to live off of for a while.”  Man, that’s all in your head, however one sentence from another catapulted it to become your reality.  Make sense? 

They(everyone else) apparently has the power to bash your self confidence.  You have the power to hang on to that to a point that it rips you up inside.  I’m not just talking about looks here, I’m talking about everything.  I’m talking about the fact that whatever I believe will become my reality.
We’re women.  What is the first thing we stop believing?

I’m beautiful.

When was the last time you told yourself that?  That old saying that “love is blind?”  Sometimes we forget that we can decide to love ourselves every day…to carry over that “love is blind” mentality not just to our significant others, but to ourselves.  Reverse roles. For all you mothers out there with stretchy skin that resembles something closer to jello than the majestic muscles that are just begging to break through the surface…right?

Imagine your beloved husband carrying the weight of each precious developing child – imagine his body being stretched out and sagging…all due to the strains of creating a child formed by your love. Would you look at him critically? When he tries his best but that six-pack is a little more like a one pack…what is most important? I know guys are the visual creatures, but I tell you, to negate your husband’s love for you just as you are can be a blow to him. And my thoughts are that you would kiss every spot on his imperfect body and tell him what you love most. I’m saying this all for me, as I’ve been running and running, trying to regain my twenty-year-old body that is fading into a thirty-year-old body, and cringing when I look in the mirror and those last few pounds seem to be glaring at me. I’m not getting in a bikini for a long time. But my husband loves me and all my imperfections. They may be my “war wounds” from childbearing, and I will continually work on it, but I have more important things to obsess over-like enjoying the moments when I am the object of my number one love’s desire-he’s looking at all that is ME, not the tiny bits of my imperfection. I can’t point out any imperfection in what I see in him, so why am I obsessing over him doing anything less for me?

Question 2:  Why? (or Why not)
You see, I’m a mom now.  The years in high school and college where I tested my “power” by controlling what I ate, being awful to my body, neglecting my heart and running to the opposite sex to give me validation…this is all in the past.  Because now I have two beautiful girls looking at me. This is a biggie-my children. They are too young now to be swept up in the objectifying culture. I know no matter how I fight it, they’ll get hit with it at some point in their lives. But I’ll be damned if they are going to get a negative self image in our home! They are looking at me and watching me-they watch me get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair…they sense stress, frustration, and they want to mirror it. From the day my oldest followed me in the bathroom and asked to wear makeup, we started talking about what really makes people beautiful. On Easter Sunday we were in the car and she was playing with her pretend makeup she got as a birthday gift, and she was wiping it on her face. I asked her what she was doing and she said “washing it off.” I asked what makes her beautiful and she looked at me, smiled, and said “my heart.”

Your children are watching you and copying you-they are looking to you for what is important, and to see what confidence is. I want my girls to be proud of their bodies-to work to make themselves beautiful from the inside out-no matter how hard you push exercise, fix your makeup and hair and wear sexy clothes, what radiates most is what is beneath the surface-love and RESPECT for the child of God that you are and confidence that God embraces every imperfection in you so you can walk proud and honor your Creator…this is what I want my girls to see. Dressing up needs to be fun, not agonizing and a testament to my identity.

I used the focus of beauty for this…I could go off on a soapbox about smarts, about compassion, about significance…but I just so happened to have just recently gone off on a soapbox about this in a blog where a wonderful lady lamented over her ugly body and why she would never be what she used to be.

Power. 
Believing in yourself. 

The quote above…where you limit your power, you hold back and you hesitate.  You question your inadequacies and you are afraid every impact from the world is a tribute to how little you are.  But you aren’t.

“You are powerful beyond measure.” 

You are the first step in changing the world.  If you don’t believe in you, how can anyone else?  If you want to change the world, you have to start within.  You must “be the change you wish to see in the world” (Ghandi).  You have to have faith that you do have the power.  You are significant.  And one person has the power of the ripple effect to impact the world.  And you are that one person.

“When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. Bu it too seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me. But alas they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed I suddenly realized: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement I would have been able to better my country and, who knows, maybe even change the world.”
Inscribed words on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop (1100 A.D) in Westminster Abbey

(and if you do believe in yourself and also want to get something pretty and girly just to bask in your awesomeness, my friend Rachel has a kickin’ etsy shop called LoveIsRisingthat has great finds, including pre-ordering some fun new shirts – proceeds go to help them adopt!)

We Believe…That Everyone’s Feelings Count

Posted: March 31, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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I’m going through our Family Creed and addressing each line.  The next one up is “We believe…that everyone’s feelings count.” Funny enough, my first inclination on this as a family creed is that it means that we pay attention to the feelings of our small children.  While I definitely believe that is important, I’ve been struck lately that it really means everyone.  That means us parents, too.  Specifically…it’s me as a mom.

Raising children is not an easy task.  I absolutely adore our girls–we have so much fun.  However, knowing that we are shaping the lives of a future generation…and that our household will have a great impact on what our children will become…that’s a lot of pressure.  And that sometimes can equate to major burnout.

Have you had those moments where you feel like a slave in your own house?  Where on top of cleaning the house, cooking meals, doing laundry, paying bills, accomplishing work, and trying to maintain sanity, you have beautiful little children undertow that demand your attention 150% of the time??? I’m there.  If I here “MOMMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!”  one more time I may scream and run the other way.  (If you’ve met my youngest, you’ll know that even if I hightailed it to California, I’d still hear her).

Being a mom is a special role, and especially with small children, it’s a highly demanding role.  There is something about being the mom that requires extra nurturing, extra attention, and special boo-boo kisses that only mommies can administer.  How can you say no to a child begging for mommy’s love?

Again, going back to feelings…I want more than anything for my children to feel love in our home.  I want them to feel safe, secure, and at peace.  I want them to know the old cliche, “home is where the heart is”….and our hearts are always open to them.  I want them to feel heard, for them to know we’ll listen and weigh their words seriously no matter what their age or what the topic, and I want them to feel free to be open about their feelings, no matter what they are (I’ll add the caveat that one of our rules in the family is “no hateful talk”, so having the feeling about not liking someone does not equate an “I hate you” in our home, ever).

Now….the whole paragraph above…let’s take out the kids and put the parents in there.  It’s just as important.  It’s not just about acknowledging your children.  I don’t believe in a child-centered home.  One day, those children will leave, and if everything is centered on them, what you can end up with is a shell of who you once were.  I want to ensure that in our home, my feelings, my husband’s feelings…they are just as vital.  Our relationship is #1 in our home–taking the time to invest in each other is, to me, the best thing I can do for my children.

Showing them an example of  a loving, healthy relationship is important because this is the first and foremost impression they will carry for relationships throughout their lives.  My parents came from families with unhappy marriages/divorces…they overcame all odds to remain happily married, but they are the first to say that although their history didn’t break them, it did make them–they worked hard to establish the relationship they have now, determined not to duplicate the wounds of the past.

Finally, beyond respecting and truly listening to the feelings of your spouse, let’s get to the root of it.  Are you taking the time to listen to you?  I’m getting hit today with how hard it is for me to just let go, wind down, and take some me time.  When the girls are asleep, I relax with my husband, but sitting here tonight on “guys’ night”, I’ve thought about all the things I “need” to do–clean up the kitchen, throw in a load of laundry, answer the gobs of work emails piling up…but where is that time for me?  I get so busy doing that I forget to be.  Taking those moments to rest are so, so important.  If my cup is empty, drained, exhausted, and completely depleted, how can I pour my “riches” over to others, specifically my family?

So…take the time right now to think about you first.  How do you feel?  Have you spent time today doing something just for you to help you remember the amazing person you are?  Second, have you invested in your spouse–let them know their feelings count?  And only after these two things…make sure you wrap your arms around your precious children, no matter what their ages, and let them know that despite all the craziness live throws your way, you truly cherish them.

In Celebrating Together…our Traditions

Posted: February 23, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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Line #3 of our Family Creed is “We believe in celebrating together–our faith, our heritage, our traditions.”
This is such a complex line that it’s too much for one blog.  I started writing and saw that I would never make it past the first comma without the need for another blog.  So, line #3 is divided even more, down to the key points–Faith, Heritage, and Tradition.

Traditions are those valuable things that make us feel at home. Going back to faith, I feel that the times that I question the most are the times that I hold closer to those traditional aspects of religion–the recitation and traditions of the Eucharist, Holy Communion…  When kids are young and learning their boundaries, the consistency of a daily schedule–naptime, when we eat, etc–tend to be the “home” that balances them and keeps them from freaking out.  When we are older and we are stressed, we tend to go to the habits and traditions that give us that same feeling of peace…going for a run, baking bread, meditation…whatever makes you feel at peace.

I think traditions are like that.  A tradition becomes more than a one-time occurrence when it we associate it with a good feeling.  I like to think of that feeling as home.  It’s easy to pull out the traditions around the holidays…and if you think about it, that is the time we are typically surrounded by family, and reminiscing on the comforts we remembered as home when we were children.

During Christmas time when I was young, every year Mom would read the story of “Why Christmas Trees Aren’t Perfect.”  Every Mom and Dad would put the angel on the top of the tree last, together, and pose for a picture while they kiss…making for many near-tree-toppling experiences, but lots of fun and laughter.  Every Christmas Eve, my middle brother and I would camp out in Mom and Dad’s room, making pallets on the floor and straining to hear Santa (Dad’s, don’t “ho, ho, ho” when kids are still up–we know your voice).  We always baked the traditional pumpkin pie for a meal, and my famous apple pie.

We’ve added in some new traditions now in our family–Christmas Eve we open up a gift with the girls that is a family game–no batteries allowed.  The girls get new matching pajamas every year.  Christmas Eve is with my in-laws, and I make a pumpkin roll…and Christmas morning at our house is a big breakfast and everyone is invited, then down to my parent’s for the afternoon.  On Thanksgiving, we all write down the things we are most thankful for that year–once we have a few years to choose from, we’ll then pull out past ones to read about what was important from the year before.

We have more traditions beyond just holidays, though.  Almost every meal we eat as a family, and Ladybug Girl starts us off with her prayer song:

We tuck each girl in every night with their own special lullaby, followed by lots of hugs and kisses, and in the mornings the girls pile in our bed for some quality time before we get started for the day.  I’m sure this is a tradition that won’t be as popular when they are teenagers, but for now I cherish these special times with them.

I hope to add in more and more traditions not merely to the holidays, but in our daily life.  To me, these traditions create home, and I love starting new ones and remembering the old ones, even if it was merely for a season.

What are some traditions in your home?  During the holidays?  In your daily life?

We Believe…We were brought together to support and care for each other

Posted: February 2, 2011 in Mama Says Namaste
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On to line #2 of Our Family Creed: We Believe…we were brought together to support and care for one another.


When I asked Ladybug Girl who was on her team, she immediately said “my sister, Mommy and Daddy.”  When I asked her what she would do if Snugglepuppy fell down, she said she’d help her up.  When I asked her why we were brought together, she told me Jesus made us for each other.  It’s simple. We look out for each other. We lift each other up (sometimes literally).  We are a team.

My interview with a three-year-old doesn’t necessarily bring forth deep thoughts, but even at a young age she knows that we aren’t just a hierarchy; we are a full team.  It’s not just that Mommy is the nurturer and Daddy manages the bills…our kids see parents who work together to ensure that not only are the finances under control, but that our house, our home flows smoothly…we work together to cook meals, clean the house, play and interact with our children…and the kids do their part as well–helping clean up, wiping the table, and spending special time with each family member individually…

Every person is important to the family, and every person likes to feel needed.  Giving my children responsibility to think outside of themselves and consider the needs and desires of others is crucial to the family as a whole.  Snugglepuppy doesn’t just need a diaper changed…she needs the emotional support that only her big sister brings.  She thrives in watching her sister, and Ladybug Girl launches to her highest form when she has that admiring audience.

We all step up in this family.  We all have roles to play, and we all encourage each other and lift each other up.  When we see a passion in one of us, how can the rest of us support that? How can you encourage the things you each love? Security is not just in having physical fulfillment; it’s about that feeling of being a part of something bigger.  My girls are not out in this world alone–they have a whole family backing them, and we can descend like army ants to support one another in life.  I feel this does  more than just give them security in knowing we’re there for one another…it also creates confidence and wisdom–those hair-brained ideas we all come across in our lives aren’t for us to digest alone, but thrown out to the whole family to digest and act as a sounding board of loving support and accountability.  We as a group are the first set of peers and mentors we experience on a daily basis–so what are we doing every day to lift up, encourage, and motivate each other?

What are you doing in your family?  How do you define support for your daughter?  Your son?  Your spouse?

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…

Posted: January 29, 2010 in Mama Says Namaste
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Today was a day when I wanted to throw in my mommy towel and beg to go…oh wait, I am home.  And really, this whole week I’ve wished I were somewhere else.  It’s a “calgon, take me away” week where it seems all I’ve done is deal with one bomb after another.  My days are spent creeping around the landmines that are my toddler’s fragile emotions, hoping she doesn’t erupt into one more tantrum, and softly easing my baby down begging she won’t startle awake, screaming because she’s not being held or fed.  Again.

It’s funny how, before hubby and kids, some women crave being needed…and then you have children, and everyone is pulling at you all the time–being needed going into overdrive. Then, the slow process of your children growing up and slowly “needing” you less and less…  you take for granted what you have and the grass always seems to be greener on that other side.  Thankfully, we know that life is full of phases, and what seems rough now will eventually phase on.

I’m in one big phase of learning patience right now.  One of the best movie lines was from Evan Almighty–between the wife and “God” (Morgan Freeman)–in it God says:
“Let me ask you something.  If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience?  Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?  If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous?  If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings?  Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
(you can read about this scene and a discussion here)

Well boy am I ever being given opportunities to learn patience and how to love my girls right now.  What is going well for Ladybug Girl now?  If it’s not a temper tantrum it’s waking up in the night, if it’s not that, it’s being clingy and not getting enough of me, if it’s not that, it’s her not wanting to share.  Anything.  (That includes me).

Today started off so nice.  We played this morning, went to Target and picked out gifts for a birthday party, ate a nice lunch together (and Ladybug Girl ate so well!) and she went down for a nap like a saint.  We picked out a matchbox car at Target that she would get when she woke up from her nap if she didn’t throw a fit. I put her down, and finally have a chance to work.  Yeah right.  Cue Snugglepuppy.  I do the eat, wake, sleep routine, so she was hungry.  Although she usually somewhat falls asleep while nursing, she is wide awake when finished.  It’s hard for me to do much on the computer while I’m nursing, although when I set up at the table I can manage.  When I’m done she’s fine.  As long as I’m 100% focused on her–either holding her or engaging in play with her.  Great for Snugglepuppy playtime.  Not great for accomplishing anything with work.  I get her to sleep and get a full twenty minutes of work in!  By this point it’s nursing time again. Then playtime.  Round 2.  Finally get her to sleep.  Cue Ladybug Girl.

It’s now been only an hour and a half since Ladybug Girl went down.  When she woke up, she was just flat disagreeable, announcing her waking by wailing at the top of her lungs for no apparent reason.  Snugglepuppy of course started screaming to be fed at the exact same time.  I went in to give Ladybug Girl love and praise her for getting a smiley face for going down for nap so well. She proceeded to whine and say she doesn’t want a smiley face.
“I want a frownnnnny face.”
“Don’t you want to get your car we picked out that you get if you have a smiley face?”
“I don’t want nothiiiiiiiing!”
“You’re being awfully whiney…maybe we should just go watch a little bit of a movie since you
went to sleep so well.  We can sit together while I nurse Snugglepuppy.”
“Okaaaaay…….I DON’T WANNA WATCH A MOVIE!!!”
(At this point I’m nursing El and can’t get up)
“Ladybug Girl, you’re having a hard time not whining.  You need to go to your room until you can come
out happy.  Go get all your whines out and come see me when you’re happy, please.”
“Okaaaaay….(makes it to the kitchen, slams herself down on the floor) I DON’T WANNA BE HAPPY!!”

So now I stand up while still nursing Snugglepuppy (so she doesn’t erupt into her banshee scream) and go in where Ladybug Girl is lying face first on the floor screaming.  I calmly help her stand up and walk herself to her room where she again throws herself face-first on the carpet in there.  Then I give her some time to calm down.  A full 45 minutes later she’s winding down some, and I know my Ladybug Girl well enough to know that she can keep this up for the rest of the day.  So, I wait for a moment of calm and go in and ask her if she wants to be happy.  She does.  I let her know I didn’t like her behavior and what she could do differently, and that crisis is over.

Of course, now that these crises are over, work still hasn’t been completed, dinner hasn’t even been thought of, (although I managed to clean up the kitchen while Ladybug Girl was screaming and I was holding Snugglepuppy with one hand), and Nathan is due home in 30 minutes.  So what do I do?  We read a book.  If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.  Hmm.

I have these moments where it all gets to me.  I’m so thankful I have Nathan to help me–my deepest sympathy to those parents that have to handle parenthood alone.  It’s a tough road sometimes, and I’m only 2 and a half years into it!  Thankfully, I know we’ll go through phases.  Phases of tough times with non-sleeping babies and toddlers with tantrums, and phases of cuteness that we saw at 8 months to one and a half with Ladybug Girl, and elementary school years of precociousness before they hit the scary teenager (and even preteen) phase…  And thankfully there are moments even in the midst of phases, where Snugglepuppy’s whole face lights up and she’s just moments from erupting into her first big belly laugh, where Ladybug Girl wraps her little arms around me and hugs me and tell me “your my favoritist mommy in the whole wide world”, where Snugglepuppy “converses” with me with her coos, and Ladybug Girl dances like a princess naked throughout the house.

These are the moments that get me through the ugly phases.  These are the times that make me see through a child’s eyes.  Snugglepuppy knows the most comforting place for her is in her mommy’s arms–that’s why she wants it all the time.  Ladybug Girl can get just as overwhelmed by hearing Snugglepuppy’s cries as we can in the car.  She wants mommy’s attention, too.  How can a 2-year-old cope with the fact that she likes this new sister deal but she doesn’t want to share her mommy and all of the attention?

There are times when I whine and complain–where I lose my patience and my temper and want to just get away from it all.  And there are times where it’s okay for me to vent that.  But there are other times when I can’t.  When I’m with my kids, I can’t.  And it’s dawning on me that what I’m teaching them now is the same thing I’m constantly reminding myself.  There are times where you can let your feelings out–but you have to learn how to do it in a positive way–and in an appropriate place and time.  Unlike Dorothy, I can’t just click my heels and be somewhere else.  Ladybug Girl’s outbursts, well, I feel that same way too!  It’s my job to help her handle them in a way that works.

The weight of my parenting job is heavy now, because I’m seeing that these moments now–these emotional outbursts and figuring out ways to cope are the foundations our girls will lean on for the rest of their lives. I want to make sure they are heard.  I want to make sure they feel safe and loved.  I want them to know that they need to respect others with their actions, but that doesn’t mean to bottle their emotions in.  I think we can do this.  I think we’ll get through this.  Along the way, though, I know we’ll all be learning.  Ladybug Girl has a “reflection chair” that she may fall back on when she’s in her twenties and needs a place to sit and reflect.  She’s learning that Mommy and Daddy will always listen to her, but when we say no, we mean it.  She’s learning to respect kids and animals by the Golden Rule.  And I’m learning that parenting is hard stuff, but no matter how many “Dorothy” moments I have throughout the day, I’m hit with way too many moments I cherish with each of my girls to ever give this parenting thing up.

A-List Ingredients

Posted: August 5, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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Getting started in a new career can be a challenge. Forming positive relationships with others is also challenging, but embracing challenge is what life is all about, right? I’ve found that two key ingredients (along with that oh so positive attitude) help to make this process easier.

First off, taking action. We’ve heard it over and over again with 48 Days–in order to make a dream into reality, you must first ACT. In relationships, sometimes we become stagnant, waiting for the other person to do the things we want them to (“If only my husband would write me love letters”, “I wish my daughter would just talk to me about her life”). Well, get this: people live up to what you expect of them. Don’t set them up for failure, and don’t wait for them to read your mental script! Instead, go ahead and act. Write your husband love letters. Talk and confide in your daughter—show her the respect and love you want her to give you. Actively nurture your relationships the way you want to be nurtured. The cliché of walking in another’s shoes is crucial to really making relationships work.

Secondly, adaptability. When a new business grows, it undergoes constant changes and improvements that can really make or break it. As you progress you need to keep re-evaluating your needs and those of others to make sure your business is still in line with your goal. When it comes to relationships, being adaptable is what keeps us all from pulling each other’s hair out! We all have our own written scripts on how we want life, and our personal relationships in that, to pan out. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same goals or motivations. To really look outside of yourself and see what motivates another can really be the key element in communication. How can you approach your child in a way that connects with them? How can you speak in “layman’s” terms to the public market to promote your product? It doesn’t matter if YOU get excited by cleaning house; if that is what creates tension with your spouse, then don’t try to have ‘clean-up time’ be an all-day event where you talk about your goals while dusting the fine china.

Step into other’s shoes. Reach out and act toward them in the way that best connects you. Adapt to their language. And when you’ve got their attention, you can share your language. Relationships are a two way street, but breakdowns happen. Sometimes you need to go ahead and cross in their direction and walk withthem to the middle.