Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

MamaRose Shares Her Story

Posted: July 12, 2011 in Family Life Learning, What does "Education" Look Like?
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Well, well, well.  One week into a new site and I get the opportunity to do an hour-long video interview with The Homeschool Netcast Network!  Oh so coincidentally, Gerald interviewed my father, Dan Miller, the week before, so he got the perspective of a “retired” homeschool dad, so his goal was to interview me as a homeschool-ee.  However, little did he know at the time that I was embarking on a whole new endeavor with this site!

Here is the video in its entirety.  I hope it sheds some light on where we came from and what the heck we’re thinking now.  I love that Gerald asked me some hard questions not only about how/why I want to teach my kids, but threw the words the naysayers are whispering about us not knowing what we’re doing.  I love it – questions and challenges?  BRING ‘EM ON! 

And yes, you get to see Papa Gray make his grand debut by crawling in at the side around 28 minutes in.  Yes, I said crawling. Seriously – you have to watch it.

Finally, check out the “Free Stuff” page on his site.  I haven’t made it to all the links yet, but it looks like I’ll have plenty of info to get started.  Let me know what you think!

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…

Posted: January 29, 2010 in Mama Says Namaste
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Today was a day when I wanted to throw in my mommy towel and beg to go…oh wait, I am home.  And really, this whole week I’ve wished I were somewhere else.  It’s a “calgon, take me away” week where it seems all I’ve done is deal with one bomb after another.  My days are spent creeping around the landmines that are my toddler’s fragile emotions, hoping she doesn’t erupt into one more tantrum, and softly easing my baby down begging she won’t startle awake, screaming because she’s not being held or fed.  Again.

It’s funny how, before hubby and kids, some women crave being needed…and then you have children, and everyone is pulling at you all the time–being needed going into overdrive. Then, the slow process of your children growing up and slowly “needing” you less and less…  you take for granted what you have and the grass always seems to be greener on that other side.  Thankfully, we know that life is full of phases, and what seems rough now will eventually phase on.

I’m in one big phase of learning patience right now.  One of the best movie lines was from Evan Almighty–between the wife and “God” (Morgan Freeman)–in it God says:
“Let me ask you something.  If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience?  Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?  If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous?  If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings?  Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
(you can read about this scene and a discussion here)

Well boy am I ever being given opportunities to learn patience and how to love my girls right now.  What is going well for Ladybug Girl now?  If it’s not a temper tantrum it’s waking up in the night, if it’s not that, it’s being clingy and not getting enough of me, if it’s not that, it’s her not wanting to share.  Anything.  (That includes me).

Today started off so nice.  We played this morning, went to Target and picked out gifts for a birthday party, ate a nice lunch together (and Ladybug Girl ate so well!) and she went down for a nap like a saint.  We picked out a matchbox car at Target that she would get when she woke up from her nap if she didn’t throw a fit. I put her down, and finally have a chance to work.  Yeah right.  Cue Snugglepuppy.  I do the eat, wake, sleep routine, so she was hungry.  Although she usually somewhat falls asleep while nursing, she is wide awake when finished.  It’s hard for me to do much on the computer while I’m nursing, although when I set up at the table I can manage.  When I’m done she’s fine.  As long as I’m 100% focused on her–either holding her or engaging in play with her.  Great for Snugglepuppy playtime.  Not great for accomplishing anything with work.  I get her to sleep and get a full twenty minutes of work in!  By this point it’s nursing time again. Then playtime.  Round 2.  Finally get her to sleep.  Cue Ladybug Girl.

It’s now been only an hour and a half since Ladybug Girl went down.  When she woke up, she was just flat disagreeable, announcing her waking by wailing at the top of her lungs for no apparent reason.  Snugglepuppy of course started screaming to be fed at the exact same time.  I went in to give Ladybug Girl love and praise her for getting a smiley face for going down for nap so well. She proceeded to whine and say she doesn’t want a smiley face.
“I want a frownnnnny face.”
“Don’t you want to get your car we picked out that you get if you have a smiley face?”
“I don’t want nothiiiiiiiing!”
“You’re being awfully whiney…maybe we should just go watch a little bit of a movie since you
went to sleep so well.  We can sit together while I nurse Snugglepuppy.”
“Okaaaaay…….I DON’T WANNA WATCH A MOVIE!!!”
(At this point I’m nursing El and can’t get up)
“Ladybug Girl, you’re having a hard time not whining.  You need to go to your room until you can come
out happy.  Go get all your whines out and come see me when you’re happy, please.”
“Okaaaaay….(makes it to the kitchen, slams herself down on the floor) I DON’T WANNA BE HAPPY!!”

So now I stand up while still nursing Snugglepuppy (so she doesn’t erupt into her banshee scream) and go in where Ladybug Girl is lying face first on the floor screaming.  I calmly help her stand up and walk herself to her room where she again throws herself face-first on the carpet in there.  Then I give her some time to calm down.  A full 45 minutes later she’s winding down some, and I know my Ladybug Girl well enough to know that she can keep this up for the rest of the day.  So, I wait for a moment of calm and go in and ask her if she wants to be happy.  She does.  I let her know I didn’t like her behavior and what she could do differently, and that crisis is over.

Of course, now that these crises are over, work still hasn’t been completed, dinner hasn’t even been thought of, (although I managed to clean up the kitchen while Ladybug Girl was screaming and I was holding Snugglepuppy with one hand), and Nathan is due home in 30 minutes.  So what do I do?  We read a book.  If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.  Hmm.

I have these moments where it all gets to me.  I’m so thankful I have Nathan to help me–my deepest sympathy to those parents that have to handle parenthood alone.  It’s a tough road sometimes, and I’m only 2 and a half years into it!  Thankfully, I know we’ll go through phases.  Phases of tough times with non-sleeping babies and toddlers with tantrums, and phases of cuteness that we saw at 8 months to one and a half with Ladybug Girl, and elementary school years of precociousness before they hit the scary teenager (and even preteen) phase…  And thankfully there are moments even in the midst of phases, where Snugglepuppy’s whole face lights up and she’s just moments from erupting into her first big belly laugh, where Ladybug Girl wraps her little arms around me and hugs me and tell me “your my favoritist mommy in the whole wide world”, where Snugglepuppy “converses” with me with her coos, and Ladybug Girl dances like a princess naked throughout the house.

These are the moments that get me through the ugly phases.  These are the times that make me see through a child’s eyes.  Snugglepuppy knows the most comforting place for her is in her mommy’s arms–that’s why she wants it all the time.  Ladybug Girl can get just as overwhelmed by hearing Snugglepuppy’s cries as we can in the car.  She wants mommy’s attention, too.  How can a 2-year-old cope with the fact that she likes this new sister deal but she doesn’t want to share her mommy and all of the attention?

There are times when I whine and complain–where I lose my patience and my temper and want to just get away from it all.  And there are times where it’s okay for me to vent that.  But there are other times when I can’t.  When I’m with my kids, I can’t.  And it’s dawning on me that what I’m teaching them now is the same thing I’m constantly reminding myself.  There are times where you can let your feelings out–but you have to learn how to do it in a positive way–and in an appropriate place and time.  Unlike Dorothy, I can’t just click my heels and be somewhere else.  Ladybug Girl’s outbursts, well, I feel that same way too!  It’s my job to help her handle them in a way that works.

The weight of my parenting job is heavy now, because I’m seeing that these moments now–these emotional outbursts and figuring out ways to cope are the foundations our girls will lean on for the rest of their lives. I want to make sure they are heard.  I want to make sure they feel safe and loved.  I want them to know that they need to respect others with their actions, but that doesn’t mean to bottle their emotions in.  I think we can do this.  I think we’ll get through this.  Along the way, though, I know we’ll all be learning.  Ladybug Girl has a “reflection chair” that she may fall back on when she’s in her twenties and needs a place to sit and reflect.  She’s learning that Mommy and Daddy will always listen to her, but when we say no, we mean it.  She’s learning to respect kids and animals by the Golden Rule.  And I’m learning that parenting is hard stuff, but no matter how many “Dorothy” moments I have throughout the day, I’m hit with way too many moments I cherish with each of my girls to ever give this parenting thing up.

Walking in Circles

Posted: February 3, 2009 in Mama Says Namaste
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This morning I started the first in a four-week series with a group from St. Augustine’s Episcopal Church where I go. The title of the study is “Visions of Peace in the Kingdom of God” and Becca has aptly subtitled it “Walking in Circles.” She has written an incredible blog on it here: http://www.beccastevens.org/.

Instead of a typical Bible Study in a Sunday School room or even a home, this group meets at Radnor Lake, a state park, where we trek around the paths, literally in a circle. We read the verses, we prepare our hearts, and we open our eyes to what we observe in His Creation. We truly walk and contemplate. We stop along the way to reflect on the scripture and anything that seems significant—in the verses, in our walk, in our lives.

As usual, I had Clara with me, and was a little uncertain of how she would handle a three mile hike through the woods. I started it out as I usually do on a hike—full tilt power hike, charging up the hills with determination and speed, thinking of the workout this was giving on my body. Thankfully, though, the workout finally hit my brain.

I thought about Becca’s words that life is about the journey, and about seasons. That we begin and end with God, so instead of just pressing forward for the goal, maybe we should reflect on the process, and on the seasons of our lives. In many respects, we do merely walk in circles throughout our life…

I thought about my daughter, and how when I was pregnant, everything was in front of me—my literal belly, the bright hope for my unborn and excitement for when she would arrive. It seemed life was all forward thinking, and even then I circled back to my past and my husband’s past to choose a name for our daughter that embraced the great women in our lives—our grandmothers, Clara and Isabel.

Once she arrived, we charged forward, and before I knew it, here I am again, walking with a literal weight on my back now—this child that can bring so much good, yet bear so much significance and responsibility. It’s funny how sometimes we carry a burden and don’t allow for help—either we don’t want it, or can’t use it. Today while walking, many offered to carry the backpack with Clara in it, but I knew that it was not a day to pass her off to a stranger, and that she needed me on that hike. Sometimes we carry our figurative burdens alone, too. Maybe sometimes it’s better if we took up the offer of a friend.

So here I am, with a “burden” on my back. We walk in silence and I soak up nature, finding peace amidst the chaos of life. We come up on a deer, and Clara excitedly points, exclaiming “hi deer!” and blowing kisses to the confused deer that stare at the contraption on my back. Her sheer enthusiasm is contagious, and we start to really walk through nature together. She hears the birds chirp and an airplane go by. We get down on the ground to look at and touch the cool moss growing on a tree.

I think about my excitement during pregnancy, and now I look at the moment I’m sharing with my daughter. Wow—I’m sharing this. Clara is seeing nature now with me, no longer nestled in my womb, but braving the big world by my side. She’s getting excited to see the trees, waving her arms in the air to sign the word. She is pointing out that the sun is peeking through the clouds. She remembered the ducks in the lake as we stood in the parking lot before we even started.

I’ve come full circle—back to that hope and anticipation of a bright future ahead—that peace in knowing I’m going to walk again through the woods with my daughter, and she’s going to show me even more “new” things. She brings me back to my own childhood; seeing beauty from a two-foot perspective. I’m starting to realize that we live life in one big circle that is created by the tiny circles we walk every moment. It’s not “two steps forward, one step back,” but it’s a journey of growth and renewal, of reflection and memories, of past lessons and pains and of future hopes and dreams.

The present is always our point in the circle-it’s our moment to embrace what is. It’s the moment where I can look forward to the future, back to the past, and also by my side to experience life with who I am with right now. It includes all aspects of me, and of God. It embraces our journey as continuously rolling, and forever giving us chances to see and know more about this God who invested so much in you and in me.

I’m thankful for my time today. My time to be alone in the woods with my thoughts, and my time to share them with the group. My time to teach my daughter about moss and leaves and birds, and her time to teach me about the depth of my love for her. Our time to slow down and look at life from a different angle, and how to open our hearts to every season of life.

Becca said “we are born to be loved, to soak that love in and then to offer love back.” What a sweet gift to be given. That love is why we have circles in our lives instead of a straight path. We go back to God’s love for our strength, to our mother’s love for affirmation, to our children’s love for hope. We continuously move and roll through life, no matter if the burden is in front of us or behind us, or even in our arms. We keep walking on our journey, and we can walk in peace that the present will continue to flow through love and life. As we roll down to the bottom of our circles of life, know that the next journey is back up again.

Always Pour Your Blessings Down

Posted: August 5, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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We’re having a riverside baptism for Ladybug Girl, where members of the church and our family and friends will gather on a farm and have a laid back event honoring seven precious children and committing to raise them to know God and what it means to follow Him. I was asked to write a 1-2 sentence blessing to be incorporated into the program.

How do you condense all your hopes and dreams for your precious child into a mere two sentences (one sentence is completely a joke for me–17 pages, no problem). How can you convey your heart–the one you wear on the outside when you have a child–and all of your deepest longings for them to understand your depth of love for them…can they ever grasp the incredible love of being a parent until they are a parent themselves?

I want her to live with the zest for life like I do now…it’s funny, what we want for our children is to get to the mature realizations that we now, as adult parents, understand and appreciate. It’s all of those things we learned by going through the dreaded teenage and young adult years. It’s hard to allow a child to go through situations that you know the answers to…to experience puppy love knowing her heart may be broken…to try being a skater because his friends are, knowing he isn’t, or making fun of a kid, not understanding that next week these same “friends” will make fun of her… in the struggle to find themselves in life, kids need to be able to experience all the emotions in life–the same emotions we went through that has strengthened us to be what we are today.

My desire for Ladybug Girl is not to limit her or protect her from pain (although it would be oh so nice!). Instead, I want her to embrace life. To be able to see through the drama and pain of teenager-dom and see that there is something she can learn through it all. I want her, above all, to always be teachable. So how can I do that? All I can do is walk with her on her journey. For a short time she’ll look to me to guide her. My goal during these childhood years is to show her security–in our home, in God’s love, in our relationship. These are constants to fall back on when she walks independently. Then, for a while, I’ll basically walk by her side where my input may or may not be acknowledged (but I will still be a constant). Then, it’s time for her to lead her own way. I will always be there for her, and my prayer is that I can help her see the roses in the world despite the thorns.

My blessing for her is written out today. Tomorrow it is in my heart, and every day for the rest of my life I will pour blessings on this incredible child God has placed in our family. I want her safe in the knowledge that we are family. What a precious word to encompass those who are bonded by love, not always blood, but always love and commitment to grow and learn together—there’s always more to life to embrace, and it’s so much sweeter when you share it.

“May you always see the world with open eyes and open arms, embracing the beauty of God’s creation with the joy you have today. We pray for wisdom and discernment as we walk with you, that we may encourage and promote a desire to continually learn and grow in God’s love.”

A-List Ingredients

Posted: August 5, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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Getting started in a new career can be a challenge. Forming positive relationships with others is also challenging, but embracing challenge is what life is all about, right? I’ve found that two key ingredients (along with that oh so positive attitude) help to make this process easier.

First off, taking action. We’ve heard it over and over again with 48 Days–in order to make a dream into reality, you must first ACT. In relationships, sometimes we become stagnant, waiting for the other person to do the things we want them to (“If only my husband would write me love letters”, “I wish my daughter would just talk to me about her life”). Well, get this: people live up to what you expect of them. Don’t set them up for failure, and don’t wait for them to read your mental script! Instead, go ahead and act. Write your husband love letters. Talk and confide in your daughter—show her the respect and love you want her to give you. Actively nurture your relationships the way you want to be nurtured. The cliché of walking in another’s shoes is crucial to really making relationships work.

Secondly, adaptability. When a new business grows, it undergoes constant changes and improvements that can really make or break it. As you progress you need to keep re-evaluating your needs and those of others to make sure your business is still in line with your goal. When it comes to relationships, being adaptable is what keeps us all from pulling each other’s hair out! We all have our own written scripts on how we want life, and our personal relationships in that, to pan out. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same goals or motivations. To really look outside of yourself and see what motivates another can really be the key element in communication. How can you approach your child in a way that connects with them? How can you speak in “layman’s” terms to the public market to promote your product? It doesn’t matter if YOU get excited by cleaning house; if that is what creates tension with your spouse, then don’t try to have ‘clean-up time’ be an all-day event where you talk about your goals while dusting the fine china.

Step into other’s shoes. Reach out and act toward them in the way that best connects you. Adapt to their language. And when you’ve got their attention, you can share your language. Relationships are a two way street, but breakdowns happen. Sometimes you need to go ahead and cross in their direction and walk withthem to the middle.

To Vaccinate or Not To…

Posted: May 12, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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Alright, what started out as an email I’ve decided to make into a blog posting…because I want people to be able to respond–so here goes:

My disclaimer here is that I’m not sending this with the intent to get others to do exactly as we do, or to say that people are wrong for doing vaccines, or anything else. Honestly, I’m eager to hear responses because I don’t feel I’m an expert on this subject (and if you ARE an expert, please respond, and then we’ll let other experts respond as well and compare it all!).

This is the latest in the news regarding the vaccine hype: http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/health/stories/2008/03/06/autism_0306.html. Here is the pro-vaccine news story on the same case: http://cfc.wjla.com/videoondemand.cfm?id=10273.
This holds true to what I think—I’m not at all the type of parent to get wrapped up in the fear tactics the mediau puts out there, and I don’t think that autism is just caused by vaccines. Autism was around before vaccines, and it has been proven to be a genetic disorder. BUT…we are seeing more and more cases where people are connecting disorders in their children to contributing factors in a vaccine. My concern is not that vaccines necessarily cause issues, but that they exacerbate possible underlying tendencies that then develop into full-fledged issuessuch as autism.I just pulled these stats about the Vaccine Compensation Law here: http://www.hrsa.gov/vaccinecompensation/statistics_report.htm.
It takes 2-3 years for the files to actually be awarded, so looking at the chart that shows cases that were awarded and dismissed, technically in ’05 we were dealing with around 82 people that actually filed and won a case…and going just with the numbers of those who have won vs. those that were dismissed, wow—JUST in 2007 (which is basically 2005 complaints), the gov’t awarded $91,449,433.89. Yikes. Below that chart it actually breaks these down by specific vaccines—this is very helpful and I’ll be studying this more!!

I’ll be open about where Nathan and I stand for right now. Ladybug Girl has not had any vaccines yet, and we’re not anti-vaccine, but we want to use extreme caution. We have read numerous reports where waiting until they are 2 and spacing out the vaccines has been very positive—I have a great article about that from my doctor (email me if you didn’t get it and want it). For LG, we’re going to spend from now until next year really researching the vaccines that are out there—especially with the latest newsbreak this April (first link above), I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the vaccines changed. When LG is two, we will pick and choose the ones that are the most important to get her vaccinated (i.e. polio) and forgo others that we don’t see as a good idea (i.e. HPV, chicken pox).

Ultimately the decision is the parents’, and that’s a scary thing, as you are responsible for the decision you make, and there is NO black or white on this subject—there are risks either way you look at it. Know that the decision is completely in YOUR hands, though—all you have to do is write a sheet saying you don’t agree with vaccines for religious or medical reasons and your child is exempt for life. Definitely not to say this is what everyone should do, but just to let you know that just because a school says it’s necessary doesn’t mean your child can’t go there…(and I’m proven wrong in the first comment below).

Vaccines were established for a reason, and the disease outbreaks we had generations ago in America are virtually obsolete. (again, proven wrong on this!) There is much to be said for them. I would definitely look at both sides of the coin and be able to make an educated decision!Please know that this is merely what I’m pulling together—I obviously don’t know everything, and I’m still learning about this. And I know that you can always find evidence to support any opinion online—for as many “facts” proving that vaccines have NO correlation with autism, for example, there are that many websites devoted to proving just the opposite! Every one of you will make your own decisions about what you think—this is just where Nathan and I are at, so take it as pure information to help you make your own decision about vaccines!

Please comment–I’m posting this on my blog because I know this is a controversial topic, and it helps for us to educate ourselves on it! There are many contributing factors as to why all of this is on the rise…is it really about the medicine, or because we are lawsuit crazy? Are there really that many more kids who have autism, or merely that many that are being properly diagnosed now? Are vaccines at this point solely about preventing the diseases, or have politics and money taken over (a typical claim of anti-vaccine people). I’m not sure of all of the answers, but I’m eager to learn more about it!

It’s All Around Us!

Posted: April 18, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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What is your bright light? I was looking through my emails, and through a chain of links, ended up on a website called BringLight.com. It got me thinking yet again about the power of positive thinking. It seems the past two weeks I’ve been inundated with emails from poor souls who don’t have any passion in their lives, or don’t know how to dream. How did we all become stuck in a world with no hope?
Do we really have no hope, or is the problem in our own perspective? Life balance is teetering on a tightrope of work, work, work in our society. We get caught up in doing all the time and sooner or later, the day has flown by and it’s merely been a day of survival. Community gets thrown by the wayside as we hurry to get our errands run, our chores done, and the bills paid. When we get together with friends, our talks quickly go to the long list of “to-dos” and becomes a competition on who has put more hours in at work, or has the wildest child, or anything else that puts us in the martyr role.
Our tunnel of work becomes so long that all we see are the dark items on each side—we lose sight of our “bright light” at the end—the reasons we do what we do.
What is the goal of making money? What is the goal of buying groceries? Working? Carting kids to events? Lugging the whole family to church? Isn’t it all to achieve a better, more fulfilling life? Isn’t it all to embrace the “bright light” in all of our lives? Our children, our spouses, our friends, our parents…the music we love, the nature we relish, the time spent learning about new places, people and causes… don’t we all have something to be thankful for?
When you look outside your window this spring, and see the green leaves and the buds blooming, how can you say there is no hope? Even the plants are excited about the new day. When you are surrounded by negativity, your tunnel gets longer and longer as your bright light of hopes gets muddied in the mess. But remember, no matter where you are, there are rays of sunshine peeking through, both figuratively and literally. Take the time to notice them.Embrace each bright light in your life, no matter how small…you’ll find the more you notice them, the brighter those lights become.

Character Building

Posted: February 26, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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There comes a time in every parent’s life where you ask “Where did I go wrong?”It seems your child will always find a way to throw you for a loop, whether its by cheating in a game, smarting off, or the scary world of teenagers, where “finding yourself” means the more dangerous, the better.We wonder what we should have done differently, or if we said something wrong that has messed them up for life.We set these high hopes that our kids will be doctors and lawyers, successful and healthy.We expect them to learn from OUR mistakes, and be smart enough not to make their own.

But how does that really allow them to learn?Did YOU learn from your parent’s mistakes?I know my mother made a conscious effort to break a cycle of abuse and unhealthy relationships that she knew in her family, so I guess no matter what, a child does learn something from a parent’s unhealthy choices.But there are many things in life that we can’t just learn by living vicariously through someone else.You can’t tell a toddler how to walk—they have to take those steps themselves.You can’t teach a child to drive without handing over the wheel.

And sometimes, our kids will put us through the worst kind of grief—they’ll make a horrible mistake that puts them in the hospital, gets them arrested, hurts someone else…They’ll get lost in addictions, they’ll protest everything they idolized in you when they were toddlers.I wonder, though, maybe it’s not that being a perfect parent means your child won’t make mistakes—maybe the trick to being as close to a “perfect” parent as you can be is how you handle when they DO make mistakes.And believe me, they will.I know what my brothers and I put my parents through, and parenting doesn’t stop when they move out of the house—we STILL can put my parents through grief.Every child, you and me included, makes mistakes in life.But maybe, instead of them being mistakes to be regretted, they are lessons that can be learned.Maybe the hard times are what help us to become a better person.Maybe, just maybe, instead of us, as parents, wondering where we went wrong, we can focus on helping our children to figure out what’s right.

A mistake stays a mistake unless you learn something from it.And if you learn something, it becomes a valuable stepping stone of maturity in your life.So how can we, as parents, handle situations where our kids hit rock bottom?The hard truth is that it’s not ours to handle—we have to allow our kids to hurt, and we have to allow our kids to learn.We can love them along the way.We can support but not enable.And we can interact.How does this make you feel?What are you going to do about it?How are you accepting responsibility?Then open up to them—how do I feel?Am I upset because my child didn’t live up to my expectation, or am I upset because they put themselves in danger, or they’re hurting themselves?

Helen Keller once said “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”Let’s allow our children to build character.My hope is that I’m strong enough to rise above my own anger, hurt, and expectations, and help my child to build that character that will make them the amazing adult they will become.And maybe, just maybe, we both will learn a lesson together…and be stronger for it.

Build a Fence But Give Them The World

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
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Security comes to your child by more than just a blanket.Although our kids may cling to their favorite lovey or toy, the real security comes from you, their parent.And it’s not just by hugs and kisses on boo-boos, but by boundaries.Boundaries, you say?How can I be loving to my kid by saying “no, no, no”?I say you can be firm in where you stand, be strict in what is necessary, and end up having a “yes, yes, yes” world for your child.

Let me explain.Imagine you are stranded in the middle of the ocean with no land in site—it’s a scary thought. A vast sea is overwhelming to anyone, much less a small child where the world is huge anyway.Think about all the dangers, possibilities, opportunities, and curiosities there are to explore in this world.It’s daunting and overwhelming…about like trying to find a needle in a haystack (or a box of cereal in the cereal aisle).But a small bathtub is a world of fun.In a bathtub, your child can be in charge of her own sea—from one end to the other.She knows what’s all around her—she knows where the water comes from, she knows who is sitting by the side of the bathtub while she plays.

When you have a toddler who is learning independence, the world is even more of a daunting ocean—your child needs you for assurance.If I walk out of mommy’s sight, what will happen?If I throw the cup on the floor, does it disappear?If I hit daddy, is it funny?If I don’t want to go, will Mommy leave me?

Think about that last question.How many times do you play a trick on your child with reverse psychology?

“I don’t want to go!’

“Okay, fine, bye!”

Which then proceeds to a melt-down of:

“Don’t leave me!”

Will you really leave him?Can you reasonably leave a child in the middle of a crowded store?What lesson does it teach him?If I have a different opinion from Mom, and she doesn’t like it, she’s gone.What security does that instill?Instead if they know what their choices are, and the consequences that come from those choices, they in essence have a “fence” of security…much like being able to see the walls of the bathtub.Mommy makes the boundary and I’m in control of the choices I make inside it.

Security is in knowing what is allowed and what isn’t.Your child can have the world…but can they handle it?That is where you come in.You help monitor that world a little at a time.You allow them to play loose in the yard, knowing they can go anywhere in the yard within the boundaries you laid out with them.They are king of their universe…and you are the castle they come home to.You see, the more you help them lay out what is allowed and what isn’t, the more you are able to say “yes!” to their world.They know not to touch the outlets or hit their sister.They also know that their playroom is their domain and the back yard is subject to all the exploration they want.

Security comes by loving your child enough to be firm in your rules, even when they are not loving back to you.Security is knowing your little girl won’t run out in the street because she knows the consequence—it’s the same consequence you’ve given her every time.Security is your little boy knowing he is in control of whether he has a grumpy day or a happy day (remember only YOU are in charge of your attitude!), and no matter whether he likes it or not, you will NOT leave without him.He can choose whether he’ll be happy about that.Security is your child knowing that you expect respect because you give THEM respect.It’s being firm in where you stand, but always stopping to truly listen to what they feel.“There are two lasting gifts you can give your children—one is roots, the other, wings.”Give them the foundation—the rules, the consequences, and your unconditional love, no matter whether they decide to break the rules or follow them.Then give them wings to explore their world—to say yes five times more than you need to say no—to only say no when absolutely necessary (and be prepared to stand firm), and say yes to all the days in the mud, the days of dressing herself, and the moments when they truly ARE superman.

She’ll outgrow her favorite teddy bear.He’ll hang up his blanket cape.But they will always have their security in you—make it count!

She’s Tarnished!

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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I actually wrote this blog back in January for an organization called “Cool Mom’s Care” http://www.coolmomscare.org…but I thought now would be a good time to post it here as well:

The other day in a store, my husband was holding my then 4-month old daughter and a woman walked by, looked at her, and said “Oh, she’s tarnished!” My husband, in all his wonderful humor, explained that he just didn’t know where to put his cigarette out. My husband doesn’t smoke and the “tarnished” spot the woman referred to was a red birthmark on our daughter’s face.

In honor of National Birth Defects Prevention Month (January), let me just say a little about my daughter’s “birth defect.” It’s funny how you dread and fear that awful statement: birth defect. You wonder if you will love your child any less, or if you’ll feel you have to cover up and make excuses for it. I’m lucky. My daughter will probably outgrow her little strawberry hemangioma, even though right now it is just growing along with the rest of her body. I have seen horrible pictures on the internet of these birthmarks that completely take over a face, impairing a child’s eyesight or mouth development. I am so, so lucky. My precious little daughter has a precious little “ladybug” dot on her cheek. I never even think of it as a problem.

I originally thought she had scratched herself, but I’ve steadily watched it grow and grow, and although it’s small, it’s definitely not going away anytime soon. In reading about these birthmarks; they get bigger and bigger but usually max out and fade away anywhere between the ages of 5 and 10. Oftentimes the treatment to remove them sooner is more detrimental then beneficial. Yet in our era of cosmetic consciousness, we worry how other kids will treat our child. Wow! First off, I know of the trauma of having a fatal defect, or something that creates a disability for life. I’ve always had a heart for children with anything that brands them as “not normal.”

Yet then I think about how I have such a passion for unique things. In our culture we crave to “stand out,” yet when it is something we don’t know about (something as scary as a defect or disability), we want to hide it or excuse it. Why not embrace it? We can’t erase it, and many times, it’s not something we can prevent. Sometimes, because of genetics or the way the wind blows, these things happen. Yet I look at my daughter and know that there is NO WAY I could love her any more than I already do. I love every piece of her (even down to the big red dot on her cheek). It’s a minor, minor detail, but I’ve seen how cruel people can be even with such a small thing. What if I had a child with Down’s syndrome or Cerebral Palsy? Imagine the looks I would get. I can get so mad to see how people can be so hypercritical of these children! These children are unique! I can’t begin to count the number of inspirational stories I’ve heard about people with disabilities, birth defects, handicaps (whatever label gets put on them) and how they have inspired us to look at what all we take for granted. These children help us to see beauty in things we normally pass by. They overcome and do great things.

While many of us sit and moan because we have to walk from the farthest parking spot, someone else just wishes they could walk. While we badger the child who bounces off the walls, we don’t tend to see that the famous painting we have on the wall was created by a child just like that.

My child is learning sign language. Not because I have a deaf family member, or even because I’m determined to make her a genius and get her started early. She’s learning because, one day, she’s going to know what it’s like to be teased since she looks different then other kids. I have always admired American Sign Language, and have made it a point in my education to learn about the deaf world (one degree is in ASL Interpreting). I have really enjoyed learning about not only the defects and medical statistics, but the Deaf culture and the community they have created. They have taken what some people see as a “handicap” and have empowered themselves to do anything they want. About the only limitation a deaf person has is that the rest of the world doesn’t know sign language. But I’ve learned of the beauty of communication, and how even people with different languages can still communicate through basic signs. I’ve been with my deaf friends and seen the ogling looks we get, and how people steer clear of us. On the day my daughter sees a deaf person for the first time, she’s NOT going to be one of ones who just stares. She will be able to talk to them just like everyone else.

Birth defects happen. Sometimes we do everything in our power to have the perfect child, and it ends up that our perfect child is different than what we imagined. Yet even with this “flaw,” they still have the ability to grasp our hearts and hold on tight. And we start to see that our child is different, but not in a bad way. They are unique. They have the gift of showing us something we may take for granted. They have the ability to feel for the underdog. They have a chance to step up and be in charge of their own attitude, and push that positively to everyone they meet.

They have more power than we could hope for, because what they have brings an element of mystery to the outside world–people will stop and stare–so hopefully these beautiful children get the chance to share their sweetness, and someone will walk away blessed instead of bewildered.

Because of the cruelty of the world, they can understand and hopefully help to lift up and put a stop to cruel comments like this as we embrace the beauty of all the unique people in this world. Because, although someone may say they’re “tarnished,” we know that they are precious, beautiful children who shine even brighter in their own unique way.