>So now we know the strength in Family, and that we are powerful beyond measure. So next is, be happy! My sis-in-love wrote a great post on it in her blog, Everyday Experiments. A short quote from it:
Happiness is power. Happiness is carbonated consciousness. It wants to spill out and radiate and be articulated. And every time we downplay our joy we confuse our synapses. Our brain is firing smiley neurons and our mouth is short-circuiting them. Repeated happiness muffling numbs our senses. If you keep it under the surface too long, it just might stay there – a light under a bushel.
So do us all a favour. No matter what the weather, the odds, the circumstances, the company, if you’re happy and you know it, by all means, say so! If You’re Happy and You Know It
Today I am happy. Thirty years ago today my world started, and every day has been a new adventure. Not every moment has been perfect, but it’s been a wild ride and I’ve loved living and learning through it. We took a bike ride this morning as a family, and I was once again reminded at how genuinely happy I am with life. Just like riding a bike, it’s tough sometimes and kicks my butt, I get tired, hot, hungry, and ready to give up, but it’s so worth it. Life is good. Life is challenging. And every challenge is met with an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to truly relish the happiness when it comes.
Line #3 of our Family Creed is “We believe in celebrating together–our faith, our heritage, our traditions.”
This is such a complex line that it’s too much for one blog. I started writing and saw that I would never make it past the first comma without the need for another blog. So, line #3 is divided even more, down to the key points–Faith, Heritage, and Tradition.
Traditions are those valuable things that make us feel at home. Going back to faith, I feel that the times that I question the most are the times that I hold closer to those traditional aspects of religion–the recitation and traditions of the Eucharist, Holy Communion… When kids are young and learning their boundaries, the consistency of a daily schedule–naptime, when we eat, etc–tend to be the “home” that balances them and keeps them from freaking out. When we are older and we are stressed, we tend to go to the habits and traditions that give us that same feeling of peace…going for a run, baking bread, meditation…whatever makes you feel at peace.
I think traditions are like that. A tradition becomes more than a one-time occurrence when it we associate it with a good feeling. I like to think of that feeling as home. It’s easy to pull out the traditions around the holidays…and if you think about it, that is the time we are typically surrounded by family, and reminiscing on the comforts we remembered as home when we were children.
During Christmas time when I was young, every year Mom would read the story of “Why Christmas Trees Aren’t Perfect.” Every Mom and Dad would put the angel on the top of the tree last, together, and pose for a picture while they kiss…making for many near-tree-toppling experiences, but lots of fun and laughter. Every Christmas Eve, my middle brother and I would camp out in Mom and Dad’s room, making pallets on the floor and straining to hear Santa (Dad’s, don’t “ho, ho, ho” when kids are still up–we know your voice). We always baked the traditional pumpkin pie for a meal, and my famous apple pie.
We’ve added in some new traditions now in our family–Christmas Eve we open up a gift with the girls that is a family game–no batteries allowed. The girls get new matching pajamas every year. Christmas Eve is with my in-laws, and I make a pumpkin roll…and Christmas morning at our house is a big breakfast and everyone is invited, then down to my parent’s for the afternoon. On Thanksgiving, we all write down the things we are most thankful for that year–once we have a few years to choose from, we’ll then pull out past ones to read about what was important from the year before.
We have more traditions beyond just holidays, though. Almost every meal we eat as a family, and Ladybug Girl starts us off with her prayer song:
We tuck each girl in every night with their own special lullaby, followed by lots of hugs and kisses, and in the mornings the girls pile in our bed for some quality time before we get started for the day. I’m sure this is a tradition that won’t be as popular when they are teenagers, but for now I cherish these special times with them.
I hope to add in more and more traditions not merely to the holidays, but in our daily life. To me, these traditions create home, and I love starting new ones and remembering the old ones, even if it was merely for a season.
What are some traditions in your home? During the holidays? In your daily life?
Each week I want to address one line from our Family Creed. The first line states “We believe in living deeply, laughing often, and loving always.” The key element to me in this post is that second action–laughing often. Laughter does so much more than just feel good on the inside. It lifts any heaviness in the air, it allows you to reset your attitude, and it’s just plain fun to do.
When you live life full of passion–when you truly “live deeply”, you embrace the moment. Back in college I read Eckhardt Tolle’s The Power of Now. It talked about savoring the moment–truly living in the present and not wallowing in the past, or spending so much time focusing on the future that we forget about today. It’s easy to do, especially with kids…you spend so much time planning…what to cook for dinner, where do kids need to go tomorrow, what work project is due next, what vacations are we going to do and what can we budget to handle next month, etc., etc. Why is it that we only allow ourselves to live deeply and savor the moment when we’re on a scheduled vacation? What if we took a “mini vacation” every day…taking a moment to breathe deeply…and truly live deeply.
So, going back to laughing often. If we are living deeply…with passion and gusto, if we allow ourselves to feel the present moment, we then have a choice. How are those moments going to affect us? When the kids are cranky, the bills are stacked up, and there are 300 emails to answer (maybe this is just me), how can we cope and actually enjoy ourselves? It’s the old cliche- when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Whatever you want to say, the bottom line is, give a little. Figure out how to make yourself laugh. When I have the days where kids basically prevent me from accomplishing anything else, I figure “what the heck- let’s have some fun.” And those are days I choose to laugh. Often. About anything. Even if I have to force it at first, I need to let go and understand that some days you just have to let things slide. Sometimes it’s not worth the battle. Sometimes you have to remember that living deeply isn’t always about cramming everything into every moment…sometimes it’s about letting some stuff slide so you can truly enjoy the things that matter. The things you love. The people you love. The people, that no matter what, you choose to love always. So embrace them, both literally and figuratively. Let go of the nit-picky details, order a pizza, laugh a lot, and go back to the family you love. Always.
Growing up with the family I have, having basic rules for the house just weren’t enough. Time-outs included listening to motivational tapes by Zig Ziglar (I know his voice in my sleep now) and laying out goals for the future. Mom’s top priority was to create a “haven of peace” in our home. Going with the 48 Days philosophy that to truly succeed you must first know yourself and know your mission, our family had a mission statement we taped on the wall:
In a safe place, people are kind. Sarcasm, fighting, back-biting and name-calling were exceptions. Kindness, consideration and forgiveness are the way of life.
In a safe place there is laughter. Not just the canned laughter of television, but real laughter that comes from sharing meaningful work and play.
In a safe place there are rules. The rules are few and fair and are made by the people who live and work there, including the children.
In a safe place people listen to one another. They care about one another and show that they do.
Please God, make this a safe place. ~Mary MacCracken
What wall, you wonder? The bathroom one, of course! Where else do you go several times daily and sit/stand still without anything else to do but read something? If you ever want your family to memorize something, I’m telling you, this is the way to do it! (And yes, I wrote the above from memory).
Now that my girls are getting older (1 and 3), it’s time that we start really laying out the principles we want to live by. Although I cherish the mission statement I grew up with, I was eager to find our own. We do have our basic rules laid out by Ladybug Girl:
But a mission statement is more than that–it’s not just going over all of the “no’s”….it’s about addressing the “yeses” the things that are most important to us as a family. I was browsing through a random magazine one day and found it–I don’t know who to trace this to, but this is the essence of what I desire for our home, and what we have chosen to capture as our “family creed.” This is not only in our bathroom, but on the fridge and in my wallet.
Here is what it says:
Over the next few blogs, I want to hash out each one of these statements above–to address why we chose to have them in our creed and what it means to me. I’m excited about this and I’m eager to hear about yours.
Do you have a family mission statement (or creed)?
How do I condense into a short blog the journey we have been on with our eldest and the long road of discipline? I’ll give it my best shot here…
As you can see from the last blog, temper tantrums have been my life. It got to the point of 2-3 hour meltdowns and tantrums at bedtime, us walking on eggshells, not sure when the next tantrum would erupt, and our poor child was just not fun to be around. Enter me lamenting on Facebook, which led to a comment from my brother, father of seven, which led to many conversations with my brother and sister-in-law on my wonderful, trying, brilliant, and very strong-willed little girl.
They recommended a book, Train Up a Child, by Michael and Debi Pearl. Now…word of precaution. This book is incredibly fundamental. It’s very traditional. You really, reallyneed to take it with a big grain of salt. A large, large grain. Um, so large that I’m nervous recommending it. But…this book changed our lives.
My synopsis of what I learned…raising children isn’t about just disciplining bad behavior–it’s about training and correcting them so they thrive–so I am not merely reactive to my child’s behavior but proactive in promoting the positive behavior that is important in raising future adults that are thoughtful, respectful and a joy to be around.
Spanking gets a bad rap. I completely understand why. Seeing the parents who react in anger, who swipe up their kid and hit him on the bottom at every wayward behavior, kids that learn that you hit to get your point across…I definitely had reservations on ever spanking, even though I was spanked as a kid. But then again…I did get spanked as a kid. And nope, haven’t been through therapy because of it. I don’t actually remember anything negative from it, other than me not wanting to get in trouble.
My top tips for effective spanking vs. abuse…they have to know it’s coming. It sounds awful, but we talk about the spanking and why she’s getting it before it happens–she knows it’s coming and she has to accept her punishment–no kicking and screaming while I hold her down. Reason for this? If she can’t accept a consequence for her behavior at three, how can I expect her to accept it when she’s sixteen and I have less control over it?
Next, we use a spoon…dubbed “the long arm of the law”. Why? Because it isn’t our hand that does the harm, first off. It’s also something that causes a sting on the surface without lasting damage. You don’t hear of trips to the hospital because of a wooden spoon spanking. Using your hand to spank a bottom can damage a kids’ spine if done too hard, and also, in my opinion, is way too convenient…which means it’s more likely that you will spank in anger.
Which leads me to my biggest point. A spanking is not to be done in anger. Never, ever hit when you as the parent are mad. If you retaliate to their bad behavior by displaying your own, then what you’ve passed on to your child is not the importance of good behavior, but that anything goes–it’s just a matter of who’s bigger (and who wins).
And always end with a positive-because spanking is just a minor part of discipline. We use time outs, breaks in the “reflection chair”, spanking, distractions, incentives and talking things over. We don’t immediately rush to the spoon if a break from the situation will do. There are certain times when we have to consider that she is three–she doesn’t have a perfect grasp on why she feels the way she does (heck, I have a hard time grasping why I feel certain ways sometimes!) There are times when lack of sleep, allergies, or high emotions take over and a hug is the best preventative discipline for her.
What it ultimately boils down to is that our goal as parents is to empower Ladybug Girl to be the best person she can be–and that means teaching her to understand her limits and how to cope in this world in a positive way. As a child getting a grasp on her emotions, we as parents stand as her sounding board and hope to impart what we know and help her to create her own path with a firm foundation.
It’s not about spanking. It’s not about discipline. It’s all about training…or the more socially acceptable term–”raising” a child. I want to be her safe haven–I want to be her listening ear and gentle guide. I want to be there for her–literally and figuratively. Most importantly, I want her to know she’s loved. No matter what, I love her, and I love her enough to push her–to be the best Ladybug Girl she can be–one that has a good grasp of the world and how to be a positive light in it.
I don’t have it all figured out, and I can guarantee that both girls will throw me for a loop countless more times in the next twenty years (and beyond). But I think all we can do as parents is the best we know at the time. And right now I feel at peace with where we are at with discipline. Since Nathan and I “laid down the law,” we have gotten a child that constantly comes and gives us hugs and tells us she loves us, who dances and sings 80% of time, and who is a genuinely happy kid. The more clear boundaries we’ve laid the more secure she’s become, and I’m amazed at the little girl who’s emerging–she’s not a toddler anymore. She has a better grasp on things than I give her credit for, and she keeps us laughing most of the time with her funny precociousness.
I feel the weight of parenting–the importance of what we do right now setting patterns for life, and we’re very, very careful about making sure we’re doing what is in Ladybug Girl’s (and now Snugglepuppy’s) best interest. We all fail, and Nathan and I have our moments of frustrations, but the girls are rich in an abundance of loving support. We have accountability all around us–we have so much family invested in these children that I’m confident that even if we don’t have it all figured out, we’ll be the best parents we know how to be, and we’ll have plenty of support to keep us in check if it were ever a negative effect on our children.
I’m so thankful for everyone in our lives that invests in our girls-grandparents, uncles and aunts, godparents, teachers and coaches…I’m immensely grateful for every positive influence in my girls’ lives, and I know that regardless of us having this whole parenting thing figured out, my girls will always feel our love.
