Archive for February, 2008

Character Building

Posted: February 26, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
Tags: , , , , , ,
1

There comes a time in every parent’s life where you ask “Where did I go wrong?”It seems your child will always find a way to throw you for a loop, whether its by cheating in a game, smarting off, or the scary world of teenagers, where “finding yourself” means the more dangerous, the better.We wonder what we should have done differently, or if we said something wrong that has messed them up for life.We set these high hopes that our kids will be doctors and lawyers, successful and healthy.We expect them to learn from OUR mistakes, and be smart enough not to make their own.

But how does that really allow them to learn?Did YOU learn from your parent’s mistakes?I know my mother made a conscious effort to break a cycle of abuse and unhealthy relationships that she knew in her family, so I guess no matter what, a child does learn something from a parent’s unhealthy choices.But there are many things in life that we can’t just learn by living vicariously through someone else.You can’t tell a toddler how to walk—they have to take those steps themselves.You can’t teach a child to drive without handing over the wheel.

And sometimes, our kids will put us through the worst kind of grief—they’ll make a horrible mistake that puts them in the hospital, gets them arrested, hurts someone else…They’ll get lost in addictions, they’ll protest everything they idolized in you when they were toddlers.I wonder, though, maybe it’s not that being a perfect parent means your child won’t make mistakes—maybe the trick to being as close to a “perfect” parent as you can be is how you handle when they DO make mistakes.And believe me, they will.I know what my brothers and I put my parents through, and parenting doesn’t stop when they move out of the house—we STILL can put my parents through grief.Every child, you and me included, makes mistakes in life.But maybe, instead of them being mistakes to be regretted, they are lessons that can be learned.Maybe the hard times are what help us to become a better person.Maybe, just maybe, instead of us, as parents, wondering where we went wrong, we can focus on helping our children to figure out what’s right.

A mistake stays a mistake unless you learn something from it.And if you learn something, it becomes a valuable stepping stone of maturity in your life.So how can we, as parents, handle situations where our kids hit rock bottom?The hard truth is that it’s not ours to handle—we have to allow our kids to hurt, and we have to allow our kids to learn.We can love them along the way.We can support but not enable.And we can interact.How does this make you feel?What are you going to do about it?How are you accepting responsibility?Then open up to them—how do I feel?Am I upset because my child didn’t live up to my expectation, or am I upset because they put themselves in danger, or they’re hurting themselves?

Helen Keller once said “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”Let’s allow our children to build character.My hope is that I’m strong enough to rise above my own anger, hurt, and expectations, and help my child to build that character that will make them the amazing adult they will become.And maybe, just maybe, we both will learn a lesson together…and be stronger for it.

Attitude Adjustments

Posted: February 22, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
Tags: , , , ,
7

When I was a little girl, my parents’ motto was “say yes whenever possible.”My brothers and I were the kids that could show up at school with a Superman Cape and a tutu if we wanted.We were allowed to play in the mud, play dress-up in our parents’ closet, and scream at the top of our lungs….BUT it was always within the boundaries set by Mom and Dad.They gave us the world, a little at a time.We knew our limits.Yes, we can play in the mud, but not in our Sunday clothes.Yes, we can wear what we want during playtime, but Mommy helps us pick out Sunday-appropriate clothes.Yes, we can play dress-up in our parents’ closet, but raiding Mommy’s makeup stash and covering the walls is a major no-no.And as for screaming…this was my favorite.

Sometimes kids throw tantrums—it’s their only way to get out their emotions.Sometimes they need to keep their emotions in check.Throwing a tantrum in a grocery store—not allowed.All of us knew where every bathroom was in every store.It only took a few times before we realized the rules—tantrums in public places did not give us control—it didn’t make Mommy leave, it didn’t allow us to get what we wanted, it just resulted in punishment, which for us, meant a spanking in the bathroom (which I know is unheard of nowadays).Regardless of what punishment method you use for your children, there are places where it is unacceptable to pitch a fit.The key, though, is to allow a place where they CAN.

I used to get so angry when I was little—my middle brother and I were very close, and he would pick on me and I’d get furious.I was given a choice—if I needed to vent, I could go in my room, close the door, and do whatever to get my anger out that wasn’t destructive (cry, scream, beat a pillow), but I could not do it in the living room, at a store, or by hitting my brother.I distinctly remember storming down the hall, shutting my door (not slamming it, as this was a no because of squished fingers), and screaming my lungs out.I’d cry in my pillow, scream out loud, sit around, and come back out a new person.

This brings us to attitude.My Dad would always tell me that “you are in charge of your attitude.”I could choose whether I was happy or sad, excited or mad.And when we were in a bad mood and taking it out on others, we got an “attitude adjustment,” which consisted of us sitting and listening to a motivational tape, such as Zig Ziglar or Brian Tracy.Sometimes we listened to inspirational sermons on different values that we were struggling with (being kind??!!).We learned valuable lessons during those times—it forced us to sit and think, and was much more effective than a basic time out, as we were learning principles to carry out in our lives, and new ways of handling situations.It’s funny how I’ll catch myself quoting something to my friends now that I learned during one of my “attitude adjustments.”

Now I understand that we are allowed to have every range of emotions-it’s okay to be angry or sad.It’s okay to let it out in a healthy way.But if it darkens my whole day and affects the mood of people around me—that is my fault.I have the power to feel and then move on.I can decide how my day will be.I can vent my frustrations and then be free to enjoy the rest of the day with my family.And now, when my daughter decides to scream her head off, I can be annoyed, take a deep breath, and know that I can choose to be happy anyway!And surprisingly enough, that also affects others, and my daughter usually ends up laughing with me and forgot what she was mad about in the first place!

GIVING

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
Tags: ,
0

I read an incredible book, “The Go-Giver” by Bob Burg.The essence of the book is that in order to truly be successful, you have to find more pleasure in giving than in receiving.Once we change our paradigm to be more aware of others, it frees us up to receive…but ultimately our happiness isn’t about what we get, even though we become more successful because of what we gave…make sense?As stated in the book, here are the “Five Laws of Stratospheric Success”:

  1. The Law of Value
    1. Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.
  2. The Law of Compensation
    1. Your income is determined by how many people you serve and how well you serve them.
  3. The Law of Influence
    1. Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first.
  4. The Law of Authenticity
    1. The most valuable gift you can offer is yourself
  5. The Law of Receptivity
    1. The key to effective giving is to stay open to receiving.

This is a quick read, and very simply lays out the importance of considering others.In a world of “me first” and people just rushing through the day, this is a very uplifting concept that is definitely worth practicing!Keep in mind that giving is not just about money—it’s about time, listening, supporting, acts of service…think of ways you can give back.

Build a Fence But Give Them The World

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

Security comes to your child by more than just a blanket.Although our kids may cling to their favorite lovey or toy, the real security comes from you, their parent.And it’s not just by hugs and kisses on boo-boos, but by boundaries.Boundaries, you say?How can I be loving to my kid by saying “no, no, no”?I say you can be firm in where you stand, be strict in what is necessary, and end up having a “yes, yes, yes” world for your child.

Let me explain.Imagine you are stranded in the middle of the ocean with no land in site—it’s a scary thought. A vast sea is overwhelming to anyone, much less a small child where the world is huge anyway.Think about all the dangers, possibilities, opportunities, and curiosities there are to explore in this world.It’s daunting and overwhelming…about like trying to find a needle in a haystack (or a box of cereal in the cereal aisle).But a small bathtub is a world of fun.In a bathtub, your child can be in charge of her own sea—from one end to the other.She knows what’s all around her—she knows where the water comes from, she knows who is sitting by the side of the bathtub while she plays.

When you have a toddler who is learning independence, the world is even more of a daunting ocean—your child needs you for assurance.If I walk out of mommy’s sight, what will happen?If I throw the cup on the floor, does it disappear?If I hit daddy, is it funny?If I don’t want to go, will Mommy leave me?

Think about that last question.How many times do you play a trick on your child with reverse psychology?

“I don’t want to go!’

“Okay, fine, bye!”

Which then proceeds to a melt-down of:

“Don’t leave me!”

Will you really leave him?Can you reasonably leave a child in the middle of a crowded store?What lesson does it teach him?If I have a different opinion from Mom, and she doesn’t like it, she’s gone.What security does that instill?Instead if they know what their choices are, and the consequences that come from those choices, they in essence have a “fence” of security…much like being able to see the walls of the bathtub.Mommy makes the boundary and I’m in control of the choices I make inside it.

Security is in knowing what is allowed and what isn’t.Your child can have the world…but can they handle it?That is where you come in.You help monitor that world a little at a time.You allow them to play loose in the yard, knowing they can go anywhere in the yard within the boundaries you laid out with them.They are king of their universe…and you are the castle they come home to.You see, the more you help them lay out what is allowed and what isn’t, the more you are able to say “yes!” to their world.They know not to touch the outlets or hit their sister.They also know that their playroom is their domain and the back yard is subject to all the exploration they want.

Security comes by loving your child enough to be firm in your rules, even when they are not loving back to you.Security is knowing your little girl won’t run out in the street because she knows the consequence—it’s the same consequence you’ve given her every time.Security is your little boy knowing he is in control of whether he has a grumpy day or a happy day (remember only YOU are in charge of your attitude!), and no matter whether he likes it or not, you will NOT leave without him.He can choose whether he’ll be happy about that.Security is your child knowing that you expect respect because you give THEM respect.It’s being firm in where you stand, but always stopping to truly listen to what they feel.“There are two lasting gifts you can give your children—one is roots, the other, wings.”Give them the foundation—the rules, the consequences, and your unconditional love, no matter whether they decide to break the rules or follow them.Then give them wings to explore their world—to say yes five times more than you need to say no—to only say no when absolutely necessary (and be prepared to stand firm), and say yes to all the days in the mud, the days of dressing herself, and the moments when they truly ARE superman.

She’ll outgrow her favorite teddy bear.He’ll hang up his blanket cape.But they will always have their security in you—make it count!

She’s Tarnished!

Posted: February 14, 2008 in Mama Says Namaste
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
1

I actually wrote this blog back in January for an organization called “Cool Mom’s Care” http://www.coolmomscare.org…but I thought now would be a good time to post it here as well:

The other day in a store, my husband was holding my then 4-month old daughter and a woman walked by, looked at her, and said “Oh, she’s tarnished!” My husband, in all his wonderful humor, explained that he just didn’t know where to put his cigarette out. My husband doesn’t smoke and the “tarnished” spot the woman referred to was a red birthmark on our daughter’s face.

In honor of National Birth Defects Prevention Month (January), let me just say a little about my daughter’s “birth defect.” It’s funny how you dread and fear that awful statement: birth defect. You wonder if you will love your child any less, or if you’ll feel you have to cover up and make excuses for it. I’m lucky. My daughter will probably outgrow her little strawberry hemangioma, even though right now it is just growing along with the rest of her body. I have seen horrible pictures on the internet of these birthmarks that completely take over a face, impairing a child’s eyesight or mouth development. I am so, so lucky. My precious little daughter has a precious little “ladybug” dot on her cheek. I never even think of it as a problem.

I originally thought she had scratched herself, but I’ve steadily watched it grow and grow, and although it’s small, it’s definitely not going away anytime soon. In reading about these birthmarks; they get bigger and bigger but usually max out and fade away anywhere between the ages of 5 and 10. Oftentimes the treatment to remove them sooner is more detrimental then beneficial. Yet in our era of cosmetic consciousness, we worry how other kids will treat our child. Wow! First off, I know of the trauma of having a fatal defect, or something that creates a disability for life. I’ve always had a heart for children with anything that brands them as “not normal.”

Yet then I think about how I have such a passion for unique things. In our culture we crave to “stand out,” yet when it is something we don’t know about (something as scary as a defect or disability), we want to hide it or excuse it. Why not embrace it? We can’t erase it, and many times, it’s not something we can prevent. Sometimes, because of genetics or the way the wind blows, these things happen. Yet I look at my daughter and know that there is NO WAY I could love her any more than I already do. I love every piece of her (even down to the big red dot on her cheek). It’s a minor, minor detail, but I’ve seen how cruel people can be even with such a small thing. What if I had a child with Down’s syndrome or Cerebral Palsy? Imagine the looks I would get. I can get so mad to see how people can be so hypercritical of these children! These children are unique! I can’t begin to count the number of inspirational stories I’ve heard about people with disabilities, birth defects, handicaps (whatever label gets put on them) and how they have inspired us to look at what all we take for granted. These children help us to see beauty in things we normally pass by. They overcome and do great things.

While many of us sit and moan because we have to walk from the farthest parking spot, someone else just wishes they could walk. While we badger the child who bounces off the walls, we don’t tend to see that the famous painting we have on the wall was created by a child just like that.

My child is learning sign language. Not because I have a deaf family member, or even because I’m determined to make her a genius and get her started early. She’s learning because, one day, she’s going to know what it’s like to be teased since she looks different then other kids. I have always admired American Sign Language, and have made it a point in my education to learn about the deaf world (one degree is in ASL Interpreting). I have really enjoyed learning about not only the defects and medical statistics, but the Deaf culture and the community they have created. They have taken what some people see as a “handicap” and have empowered themselves to do anything they want. About the only limitation a deaf person has is that the rest of the world doesn’t know sign language. But I’ve learned of the beauty of communication, and how even people with different languages can still communicate through basic signs. I’ve been with my deaf friends and seen the ogling looks we get, and how people steer clear of us. On the day my daughter sees a deaf person for the first time, she’s NOT going to be one of ones who just stares. She will be able to talk to them just like everyone else.

Birth defects happen. Sometimes we do everything in our power to have the perfect child, and it ends up that our perfect child is different than what we imagined. Yet even with this “flaw,” they still have the ability to grasp our hearts and hold on tight. And we start to see that our child is different, but not in a bad way. They are unique. They have the gift of showing us something we may take for granted. They have the ability to feel for the underdog. They have a chance to step up and be in charge of their own attitude, and push that positively to everyone they meet.

They have more power than we could hope for, because what they have brings an element of mystery to the outside world–people will stop and stare–so hopefully these beautiful children get the chance to share their sweetness, and someone will walk away blessed instead of bewildered.

Because of the cruelty of the world, they can understand and hopefully help to lift up and put a stop to cruel comments like this as we embrace the beauty of all the unique people in this world. Because, although someone may say they’re “tarnished,” we know that they are precious, beautiful children who shine even brighter in their own unique way.